


Flipside

by nan00k



Series: Flipside [1]
Category: Transformers (Bay Movies), Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-25
Updated: 2012-01-25
Packaged: 2017-10-30 03:14:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 29,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/327152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nan00k/pseuds/nan00k
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A fan of Transformers makes three realizations: Transformers are now real. Barricade wants to kill her. And now he's getting married to her cousin. Life... is no longer simple. (Parody. Post-2007movie.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. OMGWTF

**Author's Note:**

> A realistic "Transformers fan meets series" story. They said it couldn't done. I tried it. And this is the result. Whether or not it actually worked out, well, that's up to your analysis.
> 
> This story was an experiment. This is written from first person point of view (i.e. "I" instead of "she.") The experiment is trying to make a self-insert story into something realistically feasible (and enjoyable). This is a five-part story, just so you know. Nothing big or major. Also, this is by no means a serious fan fiction. D: Please don't take it as such. I have essentially destroyed the image of bad-assness in Barricade. But at least its funny. Hopefully.
> 
> Warnings: Utter crack, original characters, foul language, violence, mild out of character-ness  
> Disclaimer: Transformers is owned by Hasbro/Dreamworks. I only write this mess.

_****_

 

* * *

  


_"It's like a self-insert story gone terribly, terribly wrong."_ -my sister

 

* * *

****  
****

The first thing I noticed when I entered the hallway was that everyone was already there. I mean, my parents were slow drivers, but it was odd we arrived so late. I blamed the weather. It was December, after all, and Christmas had just passed. Roads in Idaho were always a mess this time of year and the un-melted snow created barricades on the sides of the road. Nevertheless, it was still odd that thirty-some familiar faces turned in unison to face my older sister my parents and me when we entered—ominously.

"There you are," cried my aunt Sheri. She hugged her sister, my mother, and then my own sister and I. "We thought you guys got lost."

_Oh yeah, we totally got lost while going to the house we always go to for Christmas every FREAKING year,_ I replied mentally. In reality, however, I smiled sweetly and said, "Nah, we had to drive slow. Snow and all."

My father, like any man whose driver's ego was immensely high, nodded vaguely. "Yeah, bad weather."

My sister had already taken out her Gameboy and went to hide in some dark corner. I rolled my eyes. I preferred to mingle. I liked to see my cousins. All of them were twice as old as I was, considering my parents married late. They still saw me as a little kid, and I agreed; half of the thirteen of us were already married with kids—but I loved those second cousins! They were small and adorable—even if it did make me feel young myself.

"Hi," I called, stepping up to my cousins Jeffery and Shawn in the living room. They were the sons of Aunt Sheri. "What's up?"

"Hey, Becky," Jeffery said. He grinned behind his green dreadlocks that hung in front of his face. "You just missed the announcement!"

I frowned. "Announcement? What announcement?" I asked.

"Emily's engaged!"

Emily was one of two girl cousins I had, as sad as that was. Out of the thirteen "grandkids," my grandparents only saw four girls: my sister, Emily, our other cousin, and me. Emily was seven years older than I was, and was already making it big as a fashion designer in Seattle. I smiled happily. It was about time she got hitched!

"Really?" I squealed. "Are they here?"

"Yeah, they're in the living room."

I bit my lip in excitement. Engagement meant a wedding shower. A wedding shower meant a wedding. A wedding meant new babies. One out of the three required me to wear a dress, but I was okay with that. I liked all the excitement more. _Sweet!_

I rushed into the living room, nearly knocking into my Great Aunt Jeanie. With anxious eyes, I scanned the open seating. I saw many familiar faces, like my grandmother and my other aunts. Then, I saw Emily. She was standing with a tall man I did not recognize, who had his back to me, as the two were speaking animatedly with our grandmother. Emily saw me first and waved excitedly.

"Oh my gosh, Becky," she cried, stepping out from behind the new man. "Did you hear?"

"Yeah," I replied excitedly. "Congrat—!"

My words failed me when the stranger turned around at my arrival, and suddenly, I felt as though I was stuck in a very horrible _Twilight Zone_ re-run.

He was tall and dark. Black hair slicked back away from it, his skin was pale, but healthy. While his face was angular and strong, it was easy to tell his physique was quite lean. The man was wearing semi-tight dark jeans and black boots that reminded me of my cousin Tony's army uniform. He was wearing a black sports coat with a purple logo etched into the back, and when he turned, I could see it again on the upper left corner of his chest. The logo was an unmistakable insignia of a very familiar bad guy group I had just recently been acquainted with thanks to a Mr. Bay. What disturbed me the most, however, was the fact that even without a name or having the man in his proper form, I knew who it was. (I later blamed fan fiction.)

This man was completely and utterly Barricade.

We stared at each other for a moment. I stared from the Decepticon logo on his jacket up to his face and he seemed to notice the gesture. A look of suspicion and confused appeared on his features. While I never could guess what the Decepticon was thinking, I was busy thinking about how fast I could run away. I never could run fast or far, but I knew I'd have to give it a try.

"Oh," I began, my mouth slowly forming each word perfectly, "shit."

My mother gasped behind me at my choice of words and exclaimed angrily, "Rebecca!"

Barricade stared at me harder. "What?" he demanded. His voice was deep, menacing and grating. It sounded just as it did coming from the big screen, only slightly less as loud. That was the last straw.

I screamed, jumping into the air and back several steps. I pointed a shaky finger at the bewildered mech-in-disguise. "D-DECEPTICON!"

My family stared at me blankly. Barricade looked utterly confused, and Emily looked disturbed. After a moment, I struggled to catch my breath. Barricade's dark eyes caught my own, and I started to scream again. My brain was in complete lock down; I had absolutely no idea what to do, other than try to tell the others. Screaming like a moron, at the time, seemed like a good idea.

"What are you doing?" my sister shouted over to me from her dark corner where she was hiding from socializing. "Freak!"

"IT'S BARRICADE!" I screeched, backing up even more. I ignored the disturbed faces of my family. "OH MY GOD, ITS BARRICADE!"

Emily's frown turned down even farther. "Um, I was going to say, here's Barry Cade," she said slowly. She looked as though I was able to attack someone. "My fiancée."

I stopped screaming as I felt the world close in on me. I stared with wide eyes and an unhinged mouth. Only two repetitive trains of thought was circulating through my mind at that moment:  
 _  
My cousin. Engaged to Barricade. From Transformers._

_…Please, God, tell me that there's something wrong here._

Unfortunately, he never did tell me. While my brain was melting in on itself, Barricade had snapped to attention. His indifferent stare had turned into a glare of suspicion and anger.

"What," he began menacingly, "did you just call me?"

His voice brought me back to reality. It was gravely and loud—like in the movie, only slightly less booming. I matched his angry glare with a look of fear. I wanted to believe it was either a dream or a misunderstanding. However, from the look in his eyes, I could tell the latter was not quite it.

"Um," I began unintelligently, "Barry Cade?"

"No, you said Decepticon," Barricade snapped. He pointed at me accusingly. "How do you know of that name?"

_Oh shit._ I opened my mouth to speak, but only a squeak came out. "Uh, God told me?" I answered meekly.

"Don't give me that!" he said. His eyes were set into an evil glare certainly worthy of a Decepticon. My knees nearly gave out. "Who are you?"

"That's my cousin," Emily interjected, suddenly alarmed. "Barry, what's going on? How do you know Becky?"

Barricade opened his mouth to speak, but seemed at lost for words. I stared intently as his face. His eyes seemed to change when he looked at my cousin. They weren't as harsh as they had been just moments before. It was disturbing, but also innocently surprising. I couldn't imagine anyone faking a look like that.

Suddenly, realization hit me. My cousin thought this guy was a normal person, a human—but I knew better. I mean, if he had not reacted at all, I would have thought that I was just jumping to conclusions. But he knew I knew and _that_ was the thing that freaked me out. I never watched the show as a little kid, but I sure saw the live action film twenty three times, so I knew Barricade was bad news.

So, I decided to take some action—despite the fact I was a human, barely five foot five and no defense skills whatsoever. (But at least I tried, right?)

Turning to my left, I grabbed the closest thing I could—which was a beautiful ivory vase that my Aunt Kara cherished more than life itself—and swung it violently.

Now, up until that point, I had no plan. Improvising was a gift I was never really blessed with, but at the time, it was all I had. The moment the base of the vase connected with Barricade's head, I quickly told myself to run like hell once he fell over. Hopefully, he'd be so pissed off at me that he would ignore the rest of my family, and I would be able to lure him away from them. After that, well, I would just keep running until another brilliant idea hit me.

The vase shattered in my hands, I yelped, and let the broken porcelain fall from my hands. Much to my horror and disappointment, the only thing I had expected that happened was the fact that the vase broke. Barricade stood, very much unharmed, in front of me. There was a small cut that appeared on the side of his face, but other than that, he wasn't even fazed by the attack. His surprise melted into a look of rage, and a whimper escaped my throat.

I decided to go with part two of my plan anyway.

_"SHIT_!" I screamed. I dodged my sister and my mother, and ran out of the living room, towards the front door. "WHERE THE HELL IS OPTIMUS PRIME WHEN YOU NEED HIM?"

"GET BACK HERE!" Barricade roared. I heard his thundering footsteps almost immediately behind him. "HUMAN!"

In an race of epic proportions that really only lasted four seconds, I jumped over my baby cousin who was crawling across the foyer's floor, and slammed into the glass storm door. My hands fumbled wildly for the handle. In my hysterical mind, I remember thinking over and over, _I'm gonna make it, I'm gonna make it_! However, in the time between finally grabbing a hold of the handle and pushing it open, Barry Cade had caught up to me.

Thin but strong fingers slid underneath the hood of my jacket and tightened around the fabric. The hand that the fingers were attached to pulled back. The zipper stuck and I was yanked backwards, away from the door. I screamed in surprise, but my voice was cut off to a small squeak when I was physically turn around, picked up by the front of my shirt and slammed into the foyer wall. Barricade held me up— _in the friggin' air_ —and all I could do was stare, my voice and initiative to struggle both gone.

I looked over at my family, who were at the entrance of the living room, quite confused and alarmed. My mother was shouting at Barricade to put me down, but my aunts held her back, unsure what the heck was going on. A very odd silence fell over everyone. Jeffery and Shawn had moved probably at the same time Barricade had, and looked as though they had gone to intervene between him and me. My cousins, although large enough to handle a normal human male, thankfully didn't move any closer. They were either fearful of Barricade harming me if they ventured too close, or they sensed something was wrong with this Barry Cade. Sadly, none of this helped my situation and I was still facing a very pissed off Decepticon-in-human-form.

"Explain how you know who I am!" Barricade demanded, his grip unrelenting.

What the hell could I say? I stared at him for a brief moment, wondering just that. "I—I just do," I finally said.

"The slag you don't!" he growled. He lifted me higher against the wall, and ignored the shouting of my family. "Are you some kind of Autobot spy?"

"No!" I shouted. I began to panic again. I hated heights and I hated pain. The situation violated both of those fears. "Put me down!"

"Not until you explain!"

"I don't know, damn it!" I screamed, my anger suddenly tripling. I let go of his arm with my right hand and slammed my fist into his face. It didn't do much, and his face was as hard as the wall was, but hitting him made me feel better about my situation.

He was not amused, however. "STOP THAT!" he ordered.

"Barry!" cried Emily, her voice rising over the din of the room. "Put her down!"

"Tell me now!" Barricade demanded again, increasing the pressure on my throat slowly as he pressed me farther into the wall.

"YOU'RE A DECEPTICON!" I shouted. My fist never stopped hitting his head.

Barricade hissed and said, "Human, don't you dare—!"

"AND YOUR SECRET IDENTITY SUCKS! _BARRY_ CADE? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?" I screeched, slamming my open palm on his head over and over. It wasn't working at all, but by that point, I was more than terrified, and more than ready to do whatever I could to get away from the Decepticon. Abruptly, it occurred to me that I had legs, so I promptly used them. Bringing up my right knee, I was thankful Barricade had lifted me up so far in the air. I was at the perfect height.

"What are you—?" Barricade's angry question was cut off by a less-than-smooth kick between his legs. He gasped and let me go unexpectedly.

_Dodge roll!_ I commanded my body. It obeyed for once and I rolled out of the way of the doubled over 'Con. I glanced back at him and I saw he was still trying to catch his breath. I grinned triumphantly—and then let the grin die when I saw him turn around wildly, although still in pain.

"FLESHLING!" he bellowed. He lunged at me and I screamed. Although he didn't get far, I didn't move far either. My legs felt like they were made of wet sand; I fell back on my butt and kicked away from the angry Decepticon.

Emily shoved our other aunt out of the way and nearly stumbled over Barricade. "BARRY, STOP IT!" she screamed. She grabbed onto his coat and pulled. Her effort may have been all she had, but it didn't even cause the sturdy 'con to flinch. My heart skipped a beat when Barricade's attention switched from me to Emily.

"Emily, get away!" I yelled, scrambling to my feet thanks to a new burst of adrenaline. Barricade was a Decepticon—monsters from Mars, so to speak. They killed people. They hated humans. I didn't know why, or _how_ , this metal monster was here, but I was not going to let him do anything to my—

Barricade turned around at Emily's feeble attempt. He looked up at her and she stopped pulling. I opened my mouth to tell her to run again, but she beat me to it.

"Are you alright?" Emily demanded, worry plastered in her voice and on her face. There was also anger present. "Barry, what's wrong with you?"

"I…" Barricade faltered. He seemed trapped by her gaze and sat speechless. _Barricade was_ speechless?

"Why did you do that?" Emily demanded, her worry disappearing.

Barricade almost wilted. "Do…what?" he asked awkwardly.

"Attack Becky—she's my cousin! She's just a kid!"

"She's the one who—!" Barricade tried to say.

"I don't care who started it," Emily snapped. She placed her hands on her hips and glared at the Transformer on the floor. "What on earth would cause you to attack each other? How do you even know each other?"

"But Emmy, I don't," Barricade said, looking wilted. "Emmy—"

"What?" I asked in almost a whine, which went unheeded by the arguing couple.

My brain was about to implode on itself. Not only did Barricade just call my cousin by a pet-name, Emily was chiding him _without getting_ _obliterated on sight_. I stared down at the Decepticon, who was silently enduring the angry and confused tirade of my cousin.

"Emily," I began, my voice wavering, "what the hell?"

Emily paused and looked over at me. She looked worried. "Are you alright, Becky?" she asked.

That was when the other shoe dropped. "AM I _ALRIGHT_?" I yelled angrily. I pointed wildly at Barricade, who turned his attention back toward me. "Jesus Christ—there's a freakin' Decepticon on the floor and you're asking—?"

"Shut your mouth, brat!" Barricade hissed, getting to his feet unsteadily.

I flinched backwards, but my anger beat down my fear. "And _you—_!" I sputtered. "What—how—?"

"What is going on between you two?" Emily implored, utterly confused. "Becky, how—how do you know Barry?"

I sputtered gracelessly, unable to speak clearly. "He—he's—HE'S A TERRORIST!" I screamed. When I thought about it, that wasn't really a lie.

Barricade flinched back, snarling. "I am not!"

"Yes, you are!"

"I don't even know you, brat!"

" _MISSION CITY_!" I shrieked.

That caused an immediate reaction. Barricade's face went from enraged to downright speechless. He stared at me passed his sunglasses, stunned. I stood in front of him breathing heavily.

"How…?" he almost whispered.

I must have looked pitifully scared. "I have no idea," I replied, shaking like a leaf.

We stood motionless once more, unable to say or do anything else. Another strange silence fell over the room.

I really did have no idea. _Transformers_ was a movie. A movie! It would have been one thing if Barricade never acknowledged my accusation, but he did. He was Barricade—which was a Decepticon—which was a Transformer. They weren't real. But Barricade was here. He was real.

Barricade couldn't read my mind, but he saw something change in my eyes. He dropped his defensive stance a little and gave me a serious look. I returned it.

"Basement," I announced.

Barricade didn't respond, but followed me when I dashed around the corner to the basement door. He flew down before I did and spinning around, I faced my bewildered family.

"Be right back, gotta talk, I'll scream if I need help," I said in one breath. Then, I shut the door.

For some bizarre reason, the lock was on the inside of the door, so when I shut the door, I locked it. I nearly fell down the stairs, ignoring the confused shouts of my mother and family. Emily was doing damage control, thankfully, although I wasn't sure if she knew WHY she was keeping everyone from the basement. Even then, I knew we did not have a lot of time to talk.

When I reached the bottom landing, I turned and looked over at the wall. Barricade was standing nearly against it, looking quite menacing, as usual. He took two steps closer and I stepped away an equal number of steps.

"Start talking, brat," he growled.

"No, how about _you_ start talking, Decepticon," I replied angrily. In hindsight, I have no idea where this moment of gutsy assertiveness came from, but I suppose I was still trying to assure myself this was just a hallucination; hallucinations wouldn't kill me for pissing them off.

Barricade was not impressed by my audacity. "Listen here, fleshwad," he growled dangerously, "I have every intention of killing you, so why don't you start saying things that could get you out of this hole you've dug yourself into?"

I glared back. "You want information?" I asked, waving my arms angrily. "FINE! You're Barricade, a member of the Decepticon faction," I said, taking a daring step closer. Words tumbled out of my mouth without me thinking of them. "You're a Transformer, a member of a race from the planet Cybertron. You've been at war for millions of years and Cybertron was destroyed in the process." Something faded slightly on Barricade's expression. "You were a pilot aboard the Decepticon ship, Nemesis, under the command of Starscream as you searched for your missing leader, Megatron.

"You ran into the Autobots after exiting a wormhole and Blackout got the shit beaten out of him by Starscream. You found out about Earth from a small spaceship from this planet. You came here, found your leader and the All Spark." I paused, catching my breath, my eyes as wide as Barricade's were now. "Megatron was killed at Mission City by a small human child…you…"

My voice faltered. I couldn't bring myself to say anymore, not with Barricade staring at me with such a confused and utterly shocked expression. It was at this moment that I had wished him to burst out into jovial laughter, give me a pat on the back and say, "Surprise! You're on a hidden camera show! Ha ha, the joke's on you!" But that never came. He just stood there, staring at me as though I had turned into Unicron himself.

The panic set in again.

"Please tell me that you're not him," I whimpered, feeling tiny and sick.

Barricade ignored my plea. "How…do you know all of that?" he asked, looking disturbed and…afraid.

"It was a movie," I said, backing up again, looking probably scared silly. "It was just a movie!"

"What?"

"All of that is supposed to be fake!" I cried, grabbing a hold of myself, shaking. "It's fictional! It was based on a cartoon!"

"What are you talking about?" Barricade demanded, this time confused.

"Barricade is a character from a movie!" I nearly shouted. I pointed to the side, though nothing was really there to point at. "All of it—Megatron, the Autobots, the Decepticons, the All Spark—all of it's just a movie!"

"A movie?" repeated Barricade. He frowned darkly. "What does a primitive entertainment system have to do with any—?"

"Don't call it that!" I yelled, clapping my hands over my head. If he said that, that meant he was still serious. That meant he wasn't joking. That meant I was going _frickin' insane!_

Barricade stared at me as if I were some rabid monkey, looking mildly interested, but mostly irritated. "How did you come across that information?" he asked again. Damn, I could hear him over my hands.

I grit my teeth and slowly lowered my hands. I had to think rationally. Maybe it was still a joke. It had to be a joke.

"You're really Barricade?" I asked quietly.

He hesitated.

I groaned.

"Please let this be a nightmare!" I wailed to no one in particular. I marched over to a chair in front of my uncle's work computer. I sat down wearily and let my head drop into my hands. A mother of all headaches was beginning to form in my head. _My kingdom for some aspirin…_

In front of me, something dark slid into the other chair against the wall. I looked up blearily and sadly, it was still Barricade glaring at me, in all his human-Decepticon glory.

"I don't know you, human, but you know me," Barricade began after seeing I had finished my yelling. "I want to know why."

I could barely keep myself from grimacing. He sounded so much like he did in the movie, minus the bellowing. He had human features now, but his eyes were just as menacing. His personality was identical. "Going to interrogate me like you did LadiesMan217?" I asked monotonously. I lacked the energy to care at this point what happened.

He flinched back, surprised again. "How do you know that information?" he hissed, leaning closer.

I stared back, unmoved. "Do you really want to know?" I asked, a threat lying between my words. He wouldn't like what I had to say; I already knew that.

"It may just keep you alive longer, brat," Barricade said acidly.

In my mind, I weighed my options: don't tell him and face a horrible death. Tell him, maybe feel a little saner _before_ you die a horrible death.

_Oh, what the fuck._

"Last July, a movie came out in theatres across America," I began, my head ache growing, "called _Transformers_ …"

 

* * *

**End Chapter 1.**

* * *

 


	2. ORLY?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Utter crack, original characters, foul language, violence, mild out of character-ness, spoilers for 2007 movie, first person point of view  
> Disclaimer: Transformers is owned by Hasbro/Dreamworks. I only write this mess.

 

* * *

 _"And you kiss your mother with that mouth?"_ -my best friend

* * *

 

For being as tough and menacing as he appeared, Barricade was a remarkably calm guy. After listening to my twenty-minute explanation of how I knew nearly everything about him (or at least what was explained in the movie and previous merchandise), he just sat and mulled over what I said. I had expected him to yell and try to kill me for "blasphemy" or some shit, but he just…took it.

"So, this movie and television series told of the war and the recent events on Earth?" he asked.

I nodded. I still felt sick, but at least I had stopped shaking. "There was the book, too," I added. "It was about the skirmish between Nemesis and the Ark when those humans on Ghost-1 got involved. You were…um, a pilot, I think."

Barricade bared his teeth slightly. That was how he showed dislike for something apparently. "That is true," he said quietly. "All of what you have said…is true."

There was definitely a threat in his words. He was challenging me to confirm his statement. I swallowed hard, knowing that both of us were hoping the other were either lying or pretending.

"Look, if anything, this isn't my fault," I said, defensive. He continued to glare at me. I glared back. "What the hell do you think I did, huh? Wink my eye and wriggle my nose and then—poof!— _Transformers_ equals reality?"

"You must be getting the information somehow," growled the Decepticon.

"Yeah," I replied, bitter. "From the movie." And the Internet. And tons of other sources.

Barricade sneered. "You mean to tell me that you, a person who just so happens to be so familiar with this franchise you speak of, miraculously ended up being related to the one human I am in frequent contact with?"

Oh. So now he was a Doubting Thomas. "Listen here," I began, shifting around so that I was facing Barricade completely. I pointed at him, emphasizing my words. "If you think this is a coincidence, join the freakin' club. Yesterday morning, you were an action figure. Now you're real. I'm as clueless as you are for as why this is happening. You could be a jerk hired by my family to screw with me for all I know!"

"You could be an Autobot informant," snapped Barricade, leaning forward suddenly, making me withdraw my hand and gasp as I flinched back away from him. His breath smelled like Aunt Sheri's avocado dip. So apparently he could eat human food.

"How could I be when you're fictional characters?" I exclaimed, now becoming more and more upset.

"You could be lying about this whole thing," replied Barricade, his voice mercilessly cold. "And believe me, brat, I do not like liars."

"Why would I lie?" I demanded, almost crying now. I motioned at myself. "Why would I do this to myself?"

He fell silent at that.

Then…

"Your biological signs indicate that you are not lying," said the Decepticon coolly. I blinked my tears away and saw he was staring, irritated, but not angrily, at me.

I had to calm down and I knew it. Barricade was much calmer now, either because he knew scaring me was pointless or he was trying to keep cool as much as I did. We both knew freaking out wouldn't get us anywhere.

"I'm tell you the truth," I sniffed miserably. I wiped my eyes with my jacket sleeve. "I'm…I'm just a fan. I know what I know because I got interested in the series after seeing the movie. I'm not a spy. I'm just a kid."

Barricade sneered again, but this time it was almost a grimace. "Stop making waste," he snapped angrily. "I believe you."

"Y-you do?"

"Yes, so shut up and let me think."

The two of us fell silent. I chewed on the bottom of lip, nervous. I had no idea what to do. I could hear shuffling around upstairs, but the banging on the door had stopped a while ago. My parents weren't too afraid now, but I sure as hell was.

I stared at Barricade silently, unsure what to do next. He was focused on the floor, glaring holes into it as he "thought." What he thought about was a mystery to me. I shifted uneasily, waiting for him to look up and share his ideas.

But I kept waiting. For a while, all we did was sit in silence. I swallowed, uneasy, and shifted my legs again. Barricade was definitely not intent on letting me into his internal monologue, if he was even having one. He was shutting me out.

And here I was, worried sick that I was going crazy or that I was on the receiving end of some horrible joke…and he was just ignoring me. Like I was nothing important, or even involved in the situation. He expected me to just give him answers and then keep quiet about his own reason for being there.

That kind of pissed me off.

"Well?" I finally said with accusing gusto. I gave him a suspicious glare. "What about you?"

I caught him off guard, it seemed, since he flinched slightly out of his deep thinking. "What?" he demanded.

"What do you want with my cousin?" I asked.

Suddenly, I felt very…angry. This was a Decepticon. Two hours ago, he was one of my favorite fictional characters. Now, I had to get around the fact he was a real life alien invader (or so it seemed). He was not a cool cop car with a bad-ass attitude—he was a murdering villain. Maybe, if the circumstances were different, I wouldn't have gotten upset. But he was involved with my family and nobody screws with my family. My mind effectively labeled him "enemy" at that moment of realization.

My question was rather abrupt, so it took a moment for the alien to think it over. He looked at me differently now. There was a smug look in his eye…and something else. The smug look bothered me more, so I got even angrier.

"You heard the news," he said casually. "We're getting married."

His smugness carried over to his voice and lips, which formed an irritating smirk. I full out glared at him, growing angrier by the second.

"No shit. What the hell do you want with her?" I asked, my voice incredibly bitter. "Seriously, are you that _bored_ after losing to the Autobots? What could Emily possibly have that you want? If you're just being a dick and fucking around with her, I swear to God, I'll—!"

"You'll what?" taunted Barricade. He grinned maliciously at me. "Glare at me some more?"

"How about I go over to that phone and give Mr. Keller a phone call?" I suggested sarcastically, now livid. "Or better yet, Sector Seven? I'll bet they'll be more than happy to forward me over to Optimus Prime and I'm even more sure he's _real_ anxious to hear about this whole thing."

As if I had the Secretary of Defense on speed dial. I paused mentally. It wasn't like I even knew who our SecDef was, even two hours ago. Something churned in my stomach. I had a bitter feeling that if I checked, I'd find a name that should not have been there.

Suddenly, I really wished I had never seen that movie.

Barricade, apparently, did not like threats, those that were directed at him, that is. Something changed around the Decepticon in that moment. The hairs on my arms and neck stood up on end when I noticed the change. Barricade was tenser, angrier and…well, the only word I can really use is fucking scary as hell. His eyes were brown, but as I noticed his growing anger, I also noticed his eyes weren't just brown now; they were turning red.

Well, that just scared me because it was biologically _fucked up_. What scared me even more was that all the calmness that we had both tried to force on ourselves just went out the window.

"Human, do you have any idea how _lucky_ you are that you are still functioning?" Barricade hissed, his red-brown eyes pinning mine motionless in my skull. "It is _only_ because of Emily that you are still alive, _homo-sapien_ , but I would not _push_ your _luck_ any farther."

I could only stare in speechlessness at him. He was absolutely terrifying. He _was_ a Decepticon. Even if this was only a dream or a hallucination, it was border-lining nightmare now.

"I'm sorry," I choked out, trying to escape his wrath by pushing back into my chair, farther away from him. My eyes were as wide as saucers probably. "I won't…I won't tell a-anyone."

"You had better not, brat," growled the Decepticon, baring his perfectly white teeth.

His threat was not one I would ever take lightly. I had seen what the movie-Barricade had the potential of doing. I mean, while watching a movie, it was cool and fun to watch a giant robot use ass-kicking moves and be all badass.

But I had to think realistically now. This was not a moment where my inner-fangirl was shining. This was a moment where I was afraid for my life. If this really was the same Barricade as the one I "knew," that meant he did all those awful things. That he was a Decepticon, a real monster. There was nothing _fun_ about a monster like him.

I was terrified, but I had to smooth things down now. My family was upstairs. The rebellious part of my mind wanted to yell and fight this creep, but the logical side of my brain reminded me that if I pissed this guy off, he could destroy the whole house.

"I-I just…please don't hurt my cousin," I said, my voice cracking pathetically. I gripped the chair arm with my nails to stop myself from shaking. "I-I don't care what you do to me, just don't hurt my family."

Barricade's eyes narrowed ever so slightly. "Human loyalty is so aggravating to witness," he snapped, sitting back, as if bored. "It's miraculous your species is still in existence, brat. I have no idea why you haven't died out already from sheer _stupidity_."

The sarcasm, though annoying, proved to be very comforting. It meant that he wasn't really angry anymore. I relaxed as well, loosening my grip on the chair and sinking into the back. I exhaled slightly, trying to get a hold over my emotions. This wasn't over yet. I had to focus.

"R-right," I replied shakily. I awkwardly pushed my bangs behind my ear to distract myself. "Well, it'd still be nice if I got an answer."

"You don't need one," replied the man darkly.

I gave him a weak glare. "Come on," I said, not really whining, but close to it. "I told you all you wanted to know. I'm as lost as you are about all of this. Help me out."

"I owe you nothing," snapped Barricade.

"What if you just give me hints?" I begged. My curiosity demanded to be appeased. This whole night was just utter chaos. I deserved answers just as much as Barricade did.

Exhaling, Barricade gave me a level glare. He probably knew that I would keep asking. "You already know about Emily," he finally said.

"Yeah," I agreed, nodding slowly. "Um. She's a fashion designer, so you met her…how?"

"After escaping the Autoscum, I had to hide somewhere until the Decepticon numbers regrouped," replied Barricade, bitter. If my ears weren't tricking me, I could hear some reluctant embarrassment in his voice, too. "I went as far as Washington state. We met in Seattle."

"Emily worked there until six months ago. She works here in Boise now," I said, recalling with some difficulty. It was hard to keep track of every person in the family. "…Uh, _where_ exactly did you meet in Seattle?"

"On the road," was the short answer.

"Okay…" I bit my lip, trying to rationalize that. My cousin was a bit of an air head, but not that stupid to just stop for some stranger—let alone an alien robot—on a road of any kind. I mean, who would? (Besides me, I mean.) How did they even meet on a road?

When I asked, Barricade snorted, annoyed. "We pulled over at the same time," he answered.

"…care to explain why?" I asked, frowning. He was such a bastard, purposely avoiding answering my questions. At least he was answering them, even if he was making it difficult.

Barricade sneered. "Why would two drivers be forced to stop on the middle of an interstate high way?" he demanded, sarcastic.

So, they were on the interstate. Lots of drivers and lots of roadway. The fact that only Emily stopped seemed to hint both were specifically involved in each other stopping. My brow furrowed as my detective-mode turned on inside my mind. The only reason I could come up with was if…

"…you crashed?" I asked finally, incredulous.

Barricade said nothing and only glared.

A Decepticon and a Transformer…although technologically advanced and way more in-sync with their surroundings and bodies… _crashed_ while in vehicle form?

Despite my earlier fear, I started to smirk and had to hold back a laugh.

"What's so funny?" demanded Barricade.

"What did you hit?" I asked, trying very hard not to laugh. It was verrry hard.

Barricade's glare intensified. "A tree," he snapped. "So?"

"How?" I demanded. I coughed at the sight of his growing anger and sat up straighter. "I mean, uh, well, that sucks. So, you crashed into a tree."

"It's called black ice, dumbass," he growled. "While I'm busy trying to navigate the terrain with your planet's miserable weather system wrecking the path for me, that one patch managed to evade my sensors, so yes, I crashed."

So it had been storming, undoubtedly during the winter. He crashed due to bad weather and…Emily found him?

"Emily stopped to help?" I asked.

Barricade looked away. "Yeah," he replied.

"And…?"

"I used a hologram to pretend to be a human in distress and she called a tow-truck to get me out," said the Decepticon, looking back at me with a look that clearly said, _LAUGH IF YOU DARE_.

I didn't laugh. "Okay…so she rescues you—I mean, gets help for you," I quickly amended at the look on his face. I cleared my throat. "And I take it you get to know each other from that point on."

"Right," confirmed Barricade. He went back to looking bored. "We met, I got myself fixed up, and things clicked. End of story."

Which would lead us to this moment in time, where they were getting married. Something did not sit right with me. Barricade didn't seem the type to just…fall in _love_. I mean, I had to admit it was possible, but it seemed crazy. But they were getting married. Something had to happen to make Barricade ask Emily such a human request. …Or perhaps it wasn't love, but something more sinister on Barricade's part?

"What happened after that, when you got fixed up?" I asked, openly confused.

"We continued contact," explained Barricade dully. "She proved to be a great source of information on how to interact with humans, so I felt that by that point, it was acceptable to take the relationship further. By using the cover of a police officer in Seattle, I went through the proper preliminary human mating rituals and—"

"YOU _WHAT_?"

"I asked her out," the Decepticon said harshly. "It led up to this present situation where we will be finalizing the process of preliminary human partnerships."

Well, needless-to-say, I was a bit overwhelmed by all the information. Either Barricade needed a new set of vocabulary words or I needed a translator. I shook my head.

"Let me get this straight," I started to say, trying to come up with a chronological order for things. "You escaped Mission City, ended up going into hiding, wound up in Seattle, got into a traffic accident, and my cousin found and saved you. You did that hologram thing, she thought you were a real person, and you asked her out as a cover. Then, it became something more, she fell head over heels for you, or vice versa, you proposed, and now you're getting married?"

"Yes," he said.

"You expect me to believe that?" I demanded hotly, sporting my own glare. Now it was my turn to be suspicious. I could barely believe the circumstances as it was.

Barricade glared back. "Believe what you want. It is the truth."

"Holograms aren't solid objects!" I shouted angrily. I pointed at his arm, and daringly, I poked his hand, making an angry sound when I felt how solid it was. "See? That's solid! That's not a hologram!"

"You are seventeen years old," he replied coldly. "By human standards, that is nothing. You have no high knowledge of science or physics, so how are you supposed to know about holograms?"

"Yeah, well—wait," I said, disturbed. "How do you know how old I am?"

"Emily. She told me a lot about her family." He grinned in a very wolfish manner. "She especially adores her baby cousins."

 _Okay, creep_ , I thought as I glared back at him. I couldn't believe that I was actually arguing with a Decepticon, and that I wasn't in immediate threat of being killed. That made me a little braver, so I continued to argue. "Its common sense about holograms. 'Holo', _duh_! Seriously, how are you solid now, when you were just Pornstache Man in the movie?"

Barricade hesitated. "Pornstache Man?" he repeated, unsure.

"NEVER MIND!" I practically screamed, silently cursing the inner workings of fan girls on the Internet. "What I meant was, you were definitely _not_ solid in the movie. You were a hologram, and couldn't take on a solid form."

"Well, believe it, because it's the truth."

"How?" I demanded.

Barricade glared, clearly irritated. "Alright, brat, let's test your miraculous knowledge base," he began darkly. I gulped. That didn't sound good. Suddenly smirking, Barricade leaned forward slightly in his chair. "Tell me. Do you know the name Wheeljack?"

Oh-ho. Now we were talkin'. "Wheeljack; the Autobot inventor," I replied smoothly. "Genius of a 'bot, mad as a hatter." I grinned. "He's one crazy mofo, but I'm told by my _sources_ that his inventions have caused not just a few nasty surprises for you Decepticons."

Barricade's dark glee vanished from his face and it was replaced by a look of aggravation. "Right," he replied, hastily. He leaned back properly, knowing he lost whatever edge he thought he had over me. Jerk. "In any matter, you know who he is?"

"From what the first series told me, yeah." And fan fiction. I had yet to mention to him about that dark corner of the fandom and I didn't think now was the best time to mention it yet.

"Well, you know he invented bizarre contraptions?" he asked. I nodded. Barricade nodded back, saying, "Then this should be believable for you. He created a matter-distorting device that enabled the physical transformation of size, density and overall appearance of any solid object."

My first thought was, _What the hell is this, some f-ed up fan fiction?_ I nodded slowly. "Okay…" I had a feeling where this was going.

"I stole this device several centuries ago from an Autobot supply ship, under the orders of Starscream," continued Barricade. "He never asked for it and I had kept it in my subspace compartment, just in case it would come of any further use. I forgot about it entirely when this mission to earth occurred.

"After meeting Emily, I re-discovered the item and knew that holograms were not going to cut it if I were to continue a physical relationship with Emily." Barricade frowned, though not in an irritated way. "I altered my physical form in order to completely assimilate into human society." He held up his hand, as if to give me prove. "As you can tell, it is working just fine."

He sat back, content with his answer, and waiting for my response. My head buzzed with this information. Two concerns popped up in my mind among all the others and I felt obligated to call Barricade on them.

The first made me more nervous than anything else.

"You stole the machine from _Wheeljack_?" I asked, incredulous, after being quiet for a moment.

"Yeah." Barricade stopped and then sneered. "What about it?"

"You actually used it?" I asked, wary.

"I did. So what?"

"Um…if we're talking about the same Wheeljack…uh…"

Barricade glared at me. "Get to your point, fleshing."

"You trusted something _Wheeljack_ made?" I finally asked, a mixture of horror and amazement filling me and my voice.

At that, he seemed to get it. He shrugged indifferently though, sinking back into his chair. "It is working fine," he said simply.

"But… _Wheeljack_ made it."

"Yeah. He did."

"…Things that he makes usually go boom. Rather violently."

"Like I said, it works," Barricade replied coldly, cutting off the conversation.

I shrugged, not willing to show how his chilly remark scared me. "Eh, you got guts, that's all I'm saying," I replied. "Anyway…so you can turn into a human. Lovely."

Then, the scientific part of my mind clicked on and my second concern reared its ugly head.

"Wait," I began, now alarmed. I shot him a wary look. "If…no. That's impossible."

"What is?" demanded the man/alien.

I motioned wildly with my hands. "Y-you! Being here!" I cried, now feeling incredibly scared. "There is no fucking way you could—could— _shrink_! T-turn human! Not be a robot anymore!"

"Mech," corrected the annoyed 'Con.

"WHO CARES?" I screamed. "You can't just toss physics out the window! This is physically impossible! It breaks every law of matter and atomic structure that _I've_ ever heard of!" And I damn near failed chemistry, too.

Barricade shifted in his chair, leaning back, at ease. "If it's impossible, I wouldn't be here, idiot," he said dully.

"But physics!" I cried.

Barricade's glare intensified. "With that Autobot, laws of nature go out the window," he growled.

And that was logic I could not argue with.

"You know what?" I began, not looking at him, but staring out at the side, listlessly. "I've decided."

"What?" asked Barricade gruffly.

"I don't care if you defy the laws of nature or physics by being here," I said firmly, most to myself. If I continued to fight it, I knew my mind would just fry on its own confusion. My best hope for survival was to just grin and bear it. "If you give me an answer and it makes a relatively small amount of sense, I'll take it as fact and just drop it."

"Good idea," replied Barricade dryly. I looked up and he was giving me a dull stare.

"You should, too," I said, motioning tiredly. "It saves your brain…processor…the stress."

Barricade sneered. "I'd rather be suspicious of the know-it-all brat in front of me," he replied nastily.

I gave him a dark look, but I tried not to care. He was a jerk, much more so than I had expected from the movie character I had seen. Then again, the movie-Barricade usually grunted and gnashed his teeth. Maybe he was an asshole, too.

Sighing heavily, I sank into my chair and rubbed my head. This whole thing was crazy, but I thought I was handling it rather well. There were still many questions flying around my head, but I knew I should take it one step at a time. Part of me still feared that this was some elaborate hoaxed my sister concocted to ridicule me. If it was, she was probably dying of laughter by now.

Bobbing in the seat to try to calm myself, I turned slightly. Barricade was being quiet, probably thinking as well, and I couldn't hear my family making any loud commotion anymore. The silence was welcomed by my aching mind. I rested my arm on the desk top, my fingers tapping on the computer keyboard lying by my elbow. If only I could get some proof to show them all…

Then realization struck.

It suddenly occurred to me what I was sitting in front of. It wasn't just a computer; it was a gateway to the largest information network in the entire world. Slowly, I turned my head more, taking in the sight of the black computer monitor. My eyes glowed with joy.

" _DUH_!" I cried, turning around quickly, making Barricade tense. I ignored him and focused on the computer. It was in sleepmode, so it came on as soon as I touched the mouse. Biting my lip, I navigated my aunt and uncle's computer. I opened Internet Explorer and suddenly, I had the world at my fingertips.

"What are you doing?" demanded Barricade. I could hear the chair in which he sat strain slightly as the Decepticon tried to peer over my shoulder at the screen.

"I'm checking to see if I'm crazy," I replied, typing away. Raw desire filled my entire being. If this was still a joke, the Internet could not be a part of it. There was no possible way. It was the only way to really tell if this was real…

Barricade stayed quiet, watching me. Part of this scared me. He wasn't defending himself or trying to make me stop. He wasn't pretending.

But I allowed the part of me that still didn't believe to type away. Google was my friend and I had the reputation as being one of the best Internet searchers that I have ever heard of; if I can't find something, it doesn't exist. So, I put the survival of my sanity in the hands of a search engine and searched: _Transformers 2007_.

It only took a few seconds for the screen to return with results. My mouth dried and all I could do was stare at the computer screen.

Nothing.

My favorite sites of Wikipedia and IMDB had nothing on the subject. Transformers, the live-action 2007 movie, apparently did not exist. Sudden anxiety filled my stomach. I quickly typed into the search again 'transformers.' Even the 1980's fandom sites were gone. The only things I got back were sites for electrical appliances.

Hasbro's main site had nothing.

Dreamworks had nothing.

Michael Bay had nothing.

"So either I've spontaneously become psychic," I finally said in a rather calm voice, "or God's decided to be a complete asshole."

Barricade said, of course, nothing as he sat opposite of me in the other chair. I leaned back in my seat and stared at him, biting the inside of my cheek.

"Well?" I asked.

"Well, what?" he demanded.

I rolled my eyes. "Do you have any suggestions at all as to why I know fact for fact what happened all the way over in Tranquility, Navada, plus what happened millions of light years away on a planet I don't even think NASA scientists know about?"

"Fact for fact?" Barricade repeated, sneering.

"Yeah. Fact for fact. Or at least major events, I guess. Don't ask me to tell you Captain Lennox's shoe size, but I sure as hell know that he tangoed with Blackout in the middle of a street on the back of a motorcycle."

Barricade seemed to think I was exaggerating, even after scaring him only moments before with knowledge of Ghost-1 and such. "Alright, then, tell me how Lord Megatron died," he said, haughty.

"Sam pushed the All Spark into his spark chamber, which overloaded both," I replied easily.

"Sam?" Barricade echoed, for a moment confused. He suddenly growled. "You mean the human with the map?"

"Yeah. Sam Witwicky, AKA LadiesMan217," I drawled, examining my nails as if bored. I had always wanted to do that, and it seemed like the perfect moment to do so. I continued on speaking, saying in a droll voice, "you and your symbiotic partner, Frenzy, first found him under that underpass, gave chase, and battled his guardian Bumblebee in a junkyard. Bumblebee threw you into the power lines nearby, you promptly beat the shit out of each other, and Bumblebee emerged the victor." I paused for dramatic effect and enjoyed the dumbfounded look on the 'Con's face. I went on. "Frenzy had gotten the information on Witwicky through Air Force One's POTUS mainframe. Oh, and on Mars, you and the other Cons stepped on the Beagle 2 rover—which is inaccurately portrayed in the film, by the way—as you consulted each other over when it was time to get moving onto Earth."

Barricade stared at me. I grinned, and waved my hand slightly. "Nerd," I said, as if that explained everything. It sort of did.

Disturbed, Barricade sat back farther, frowning. "What are you supposed to be?" he demanded, not so confident now. "An oracle?"

"I'm a kid from Boise, Idaho," I replied with a heavy sigh, sinking into my own chair once more. "I don't get more average than _that_."

What _did_ this mean? I had to consider the possibility that maybe…this was always real. That Barricade wasn't a made up character and…maybe I was the one who was making things up.

My mind violently tossed the idea with a vicious metaphorical shake. There was no way I was the fake one. No damn way. I remembered enjoying _Transformers_ with others. I remembered laughing with friends over it. I remembered buying the damn toys. Memories couldn't be faked. I wasn't a freaking psychic.

… _But what if we're_ both _right?_ I thought suddenly, now uneasily alarmed. What if, somehow, the franchise became real? Then, that would mean my memories were real, but Barricade's were as well, technically. But how? How did this happen?

"Argh," I grumbled, rubbing my eyes. Barricade tensed, awaiting some other intelligent response. "Alright, I have another question," I said, sitting up properly, trying to distract myself. I gave Barricade a level look. "We've already established that I'm a nerd and you're an alien."

"What more could you ever want to know?" Barricade asked, sarcastic. Frowning, I gave him an incredulous look. He really did have a sense of humor.

"Well, how about why you're marrying Emily?" I demanded.

Barricade's eyes narrowed and his scowl darkened. "Why does that even matter?" he snapped irritably.

"I don't know, maybe because she's my cousin and I don't want some evil alien hurting her?"

"Human, you are the most unintelligent creature I have ever had the misfortune of meeting," he growled through gritted teeth.

I wasn't going to give up, no matter what insults he threw at me. This was too weird to just leave alone. I wanted answers and he was going to give them to me, like it or not.

"Why marry her?" I asked, confused and angry. "She's just a human. You're two different species. And you hate us! I can understand asking her out as a cover, but why take it so far as marriage?"

Barricade sneered. "I asked her because I lo—," he started to say, but stopped. It didn't take a genius to figure out what he meant to say and I choked on my reply.

"You couldn't…didn't," I began, unable to get my mind around it. Staring at him, I couldn't understand what he was trying to make me understand. It was…wrong. "You don't… _love_ her!"

He growled darkly. "You don't know anything," he snapped.

I gape at him, partially horrified now. "You don't!" I cried, appalled. "You're—you're a Decepticon!"

He glared.

"You hate humans!" I continued.

He said nothing, but kept glaring.

"You don't love her!" I nearly shouted.

His fist slamming onto the desktop again, Barricade loomed forward again, pissed off as all hell. I froze, scared again.

"If I didn't, why the _slag_ would I still be here?" he demanded loudly. His hand whipped out and I squeaked as I dodged the violent gesture. "For someone with so much information, you're obviously missing out on some important facts!"

"Like what?" I asked, weakly.

"How about the notion that just because I carry the symbol of the Decepticons does _not_ mean I have no spark?" he spat, his words like acid in the air. He looked…strange. His eyes were wild and full of anger. And desperation. "She saved my life, even knowing what I was, who I was and what I did—I owed her more than I could ever repay her. And she is just a human. Miserable little spawns that you are." He bared his teeth in anger. "She fell first and I hated it. But after all that time, something just clicked. Something told me that this human was more than just carbon and water. She…was different."

Barricade ended his speech quieter than before. There was such angry honesty in his voice and eyes. But I couldn't bring myself to just give in. "Its impossible," I whispered.

"Then we wouldn't be here, would we?" he snapped irritably.

He had a point.

We both sat in silence for a while more. I stewed in my own guilt. I felt terrible. Barricade really did look and sound serious. He was supposed to be a great liar, but I always considered myself to be very empathic; I could sense liars from a mile away. He wasn't lying now. He was…telling the truth.

About being in love with my cousin.

 _It could be worse_ , I had to remind myself. _It could have been me._

Then I would have simply shot myself. There's no way I could EVER handle that idea.

If this was some cruel hand dealt to me from God, it was definitely over the top, even for a guy like Him. None of my wildest fantasies about the series ever resulted in something like this. I gripped my face as I leaned on the arm of my chair, glaring at the wall behind Barricade.

I tried to remember the movie. It was still clear as day in my mind. After the fifth time I went to see it in theatres, I had all the lines memorized. Sam Witwicky, AKA The Beef, meeting Bumblebee, the three of them meeting Barricade in the street, the battle at the electrical plant, Frenzy going after Sam…Frenzy accidentally killing himself…

Then, something abruptly struck me. "And, wait a second," I said. I turned around and stared at Barricade, wary. "Just where is Frenzy, anyway?" The thought of the little metal psycho made me immediately afraid.

Barricade glared back fiercely and I instinctively winced. Anger radiated off of his body, but there was something else as well. I stared back, weakly uncomfortable with the situation, as my mind worked to find a reason. The one I came up with made me gasp.

"Oh," I exclaimed. My hand flew up to my mouth and I instantly felt terrible.

It had always been debatable about which Decepticons survived Mission City. The rumor about Barricade slipping off on the highway appeared to be accurate, but Frenzy? The combined efforts of Maggie, Glen, Simmons and Secretary Keller had lead to Frenzy apparently decapitating himself in the underground Hoover Dam base. Fanlore got around this a lot, from what I read, and he was usually able to be rebuilt. But…now?

_Oh shit._

"He's…dead?" I asked, my voice quiet. I stared warily at the silent man in front of me, who continued to glare. "For…real?"

"As you fleshlings say, like a door nail," grounded out Barricade. He was scowled severely, but only stared at the wall.

I stared at him, my fear of him slowly disappearing. Instead, I felt pity. It was an absurd idea, to feel sorry for a creature that was so violent and vicious, but I did. I had always had a profound empathy for others, even those people I despised. War was no game, and apparently, it wasn't a game to alien visitors either. I wondered how many times people could forget that.

A thought suddenly occurred to me.

"Were you lonely?" I asked.

Barricade looked up swiftly, alert. His dark brooding turned into anger. "Lonely?" he snapped, insulted. "Don't begin to mock me, human!"

"I'm not mocking," I replied, glaring back. "I feel sorry for you, okay?"

"Why?" he sputtered, clearly bewildered.

I sighed heavily and sank into the computer chair. "You're a killer, a creep, and a member of a faction of alien invaders that wants my entire species dead," I began, "but obviously, you can feel, and aren't heartless. I might not be a solider, or understand war completely, but I can sympathize with the fact you lost a friend, okay?"

"We were not friends!" growled Barricade.

 _Sure_ , I thought sarcastically. "Well, you latched on to Emily, didn't you?" I pointed out. I motioned with my hand. "You don't strike me as the type to get clingy very easily. My hypothesis: you were unconsciously upset over the loss of Frenzy and your other teammates when you ran into my cousin, and latched onto her when she was nice to you."

Barricade slammed his fist down on the computer desk, making me jump in surprise. "Shut up your vocalizer, brat!" he hissed dangerously. "You know nothing!"

"I know more than I want to, damn it," I nearly shouted. My anger made me temporarily fearless of his rage. "I'm not crazy, and I'm not going to shut up!"

I stood up and glared down at him. "And one more thing, _Barry_ ," I began angrily, "I don't care what you think. You're still a cartoon character and a movie villain! Your leader sucked, Optimus Prime is voiced by the same guy who voices Eeyore, and Ratchet is _still fucking worthless as a medic_!"

Barricade, his rage dissipating, stared at me with a bewildered look. I exhaled, inhaled, and tried to stop shaking.

"And damn it, I am not going to shut up," I finished, angry. An unspoken, _so there!_ was also present.

My headache was getting worse, but my breathing and overall anxiety were slowing down to an appropriate level. I could think clearly. I knew standing in front of the Decepticon after reprimanding him so angrily wasn't a good idea, but the stubborn part of me refused to me. I looked down fearlessly into his face, waiting for anything.

Barricade looked angry now, but it was a controlled anger. He sat back in his chair, frowning. I waited, shifting on my feet. He met my gaze easily.

"Well, I guess we'll have to compromise, brat," he said coldly. "You believe what you want to believe and I'll believe what I want to believe."

"That's the first thing I've heard all day that's made any damn sense at all," I replied, crossing my arms against my chest.

Suddenly, I heard the floorboards above us creak. In that moment, a very scary fact smacked me in the face. My parents were still upstairs, waiting. My entire family had freaked out at the sight of Barry Cade chasing me and me flipping out at him. They had been out there the whole time, outside the attic door. Guilt and fear gripped at my chest.

"Aw, shit," I whispered, watching the door warily. "We have to go upstairs before they flip out again."

"There will be many questions," said Barricade darkly.

"No shit." I turned and glared at him. "You go first." _And face the rage of a hyperactive mother, dirtbag._

Barricade glared back, but moved forward. "I'll do the talking," he said, turning away as he approached the stairs.

I watched his back, wary now. Let him do the talking? I was a bit afraid of what that would entail. I mean, he was definitely a good speaker and I knew he was supposed to be a good liar…but would that be enough to fix what had happened an hour ago?

Even with my vast imagination, I could not even begin to come up with an excuse for having attacked one another so randomly. Silently, as I followed Barricade up the stairs, I prayed that he was a _reaaaaally_ good liar.

The door at the top was still locked and secure, but I could see the shadows of people coming under the bottom. I gulped. This would be even more terrifying than facing Barricade alone.

Barricade wordlessly unlocked the door and stepped out into the dining room. I followed hesitantly and look around. Several members of my family had been sitting around, waiting, and had all jumped up simultaneously when the door had opened. Then, they froze when they spotted me and Barricade. Both of us froze in a similar fashion.

"Hi?" I asked, completely lost.

"Hey," began Barricade, with false friendliness. "What's up, guys?"

My family just stood there and stared at the two of us. I saw a couple people check us out with disturbed stares and I flushed red. What were they expecting? Messed up hair and disheveled clothes? I had once considered Barricade to be as sexy as a robot could be; now, I highly disagreed. It was rather disgusting even to think about.

My mother was the first to gather her wits and rush over to me. She made a move to grab me, but I held up my hands weakly.

"Mom, calm down," I tried to say.

"Are you alright?" she exclaimed.

"I'm fine. Just chill and I'll explain—!"

"How do you _know_ this man?"

Ah, how does one respond to a question like that asked by an overly emotional and irate mother who just witnessed her youngest daughter get pummeled by a large, gruff man?

"Uhh," I began, unintelligently. I really had no idea what to say.

"We wanted it to be a surprise," Barricade replied smoothly. I turned my head rigidly and I saw Barricade smiling at my mother with the most angelic grin I had ever seen in my life.

My family stared back, expectant, confused, alarmed.

"Rebecca signed up for a specialized unit of the United States Army," continued the Decepticon flawlessly. "The Youth Terrorist Prevention Division. It focuses on early integration of young Americans into military based projects with emphasis on the Army Corps."

At that very moment, I recall thinking something along the lines of , but I said nothing. I gaped up at Barricade, speechless. Of all the things he could have said…that was…not good.

" _Army_?" my mother screeched.

"Junior army," Barricade quickly amended. He shifted, standing taller, and suddenly, I was in the presence of a mature, professional man who gave both my parents a serious look. "Mr. and Mrs. Walters, I would like congratulate you both on having such a brave and committed daughter. Her interest in joining the army after high school next year has given her the rare opportunity to join this unit. I work for the police force in Boise, but I'm also a liaison for the US Army's recruitment office."

"Barry!" exclaimed Emily, who was standing to our right. She looked surprised as well as impressed. "You never told me you were in the army!"

"106th Infantry in Iraq," replied Barricade, giving her a quick smile. "I never thought to tell you, baby. Sorry."

Dear _God_ , I was ready to cry.

"What is this, exactly?" my dad asked, wary.

Barricade, yet again, saved the day. "The program focuses on giving teens like Becky training on how to handle terror-based situations. The plan is to have the program expand to the schools as well." He reached over, put his arm around my shoulder companionably, yanked me over and grinned brightly at my parents. "I'm her recruitment sponsor."

My mother crossed her arms against her chest, extremely angry now. "I don't understand how this has anything to do with you attacking my daughter," she snapped.

"Training exercise, ma'am," replied Barricade. He clapped his hand against my back—rather hard—and laughed. "Beck's a real hard worker. When we found out that we're going to become relatives, we decided to do a test run of our terrorist project for the whole family to see. Becky did everything that was required of her during a terrorist attack." He grinned. "I have to admit, I may have gone overboard, but I guess we just wanted to impress you all."

"Ha, yeah, totally cool stuff," I added, too dumbstruck to really say anything coherent.

Joining the army was something I toyed around with before, when my cousin Tony went in a few months ago, but I never really considered. I mean, I didn't even believing in owning guns. I couldn't kill people willingly. But apparently I was joining the army now. _Thank you, Barricade. So. Freaking. Much._

"We'll talk about this at home," my mother ground out, giving me the nastiest look. I smiled back nervously. I'd be lucky if I made it home at all.

Not only was I the only one getting in trouble right then, Barricade was finding a way to totally screw me over in the future as well.

It was not fair. But I couldn't complain now. I was ready to kill something. Namely all Ford Mustangs by the name of Barricade.

"We're sorry for keeping it a secret for so long," Barricade added cheerfully. Unknown to my family looking at us, Barricade gripped the back of my arm painfully. "Right, Becky?"

"Y-yeah," I stuttered. I cleared my throat and tried to project a positive image. "I wanted to surprise you, mom. I know you don't like us kids joining the army, but, uh, I wanted to…um, serve my country."

"A true American!" said Barricade proudly.

 _And you're an illegal alien invader who recently tried to take over the Goddamn planet_ , I snapped back to him mentally, even while I beamed up at him with false pride. _The moment I find out where Optimus Prime is, your ass is grass!_

He never did hear my threat, but that was the least of our concerns then. I turned and saw some of my family believed us—the other half was not so sure, including my parents. I swallowed nervously. There wasn't much we could do about it. I wasn't screaming for help or denying anything, so they had to accept that I wasn't being forced to do this. (Because if I was, they all knew I wouldn't be letting the douche push me around. That wasn't my scene.)

But it was pretty unbelievable. My Aunt Sheri was good with computers. She'd probably try to look this up. I was luckily good with computers, too. Some quick finagling could get us a semi-official looking website. I could make up fliers and brochures. If they wanted more official documents they could go as Barry Cade, because I refused to let him just dump all this on _me_.

"Yeeeeah," I began, grinning more comfortably now. I slapped my arm around Barry's back, mimicking him. "You can check with Barry for the more detailed stuff. He's one of the most trustworthy guys I know. You're so lucky, Em! Barry's like my best friend, so I know he's the man for you. Ask him to see his medals. Did you know he got the Purple Heart for saving the president?"

Payback was beautiful. Barricade winced, but couldn't say or do anything else. Emily was practically beaming with pride at her fiancée and many of my family members were obviously being swayed over by this.

"Right on, man!" said my cousin Jeffery, grinning. He was Tony's brother and thus was very supportive of the Armed Forces. His mother and many of the other older members of my family nodded approvingly.

Barricade's grip on my arm tightened marginally, but it was enough to let me know that my plan to annoy him worked. I grinned up at him, though he didn't look back down at me, happily reassuring myself that this would not be the only time I would seek revenge on the Decepticon.

"Well," my father began awkwardly, "I think after all that, we should get going."

"Aw," Emily said, unhappy. "I wanted to hear more about this. I had no idea you two knew each other."

"Don't worry, Em," I said, giving her what I thought was a comforting smile. "Me an' Barry still have training to do, so I'll, uh, be around…I guess?"

"Oh, yes, she will," confirmed Barricade, beaming at his bride-to-be. He moved over and gave her a half-hug, smiling down at her fondly.

"We'll talk," my mother replied darkly. She was still not impressed by our excuse.

"Yeah, well, I'll see you all later," I said, looking at everyone. God, I wanted to be anywhere but there.

Good-byes and well wishes were exchanged as my immediate family and I made our way over to where the coats hung by the door. With one last look around, I caught Emily's attention and waved slightly.

"Bye, Emily. Bye, Barry," I said, grinning almost painfully.

"Good-bye, Becky," replied Emily, cheerful.

"Yeah, bye, Rebecca," added Barricade, smirking. Our eyes met and a series of silent _I will kill you_ looks were exchanged simultaneously before we both looked away.

"Come on," my mother muttered as we pulled on our coats. I ignored her and hurriedly pulled my arms through the sleeves of my coat. The sooner I was out of that house, away from that creep…

My sister waited for me at the door. "You were such a weirdo tonight," she said, frowning.

"Yeah, well, prepare for me to get even weirder," I warned quietly, pushing past her and out the door into the cold night air.

The change of temperature helped clear my head and I trudged over to our car, not bothering to wait for my family to catch up. I had so much to do and think about. The first thing I had to worry about was to get myself together mentally. It could be worse, I kept telling myself. This was new and scary, but I had to preserve through all the weirdness.

"Dude, I just totally threw a vase at a Decepticon," I muttered to myself. That didn't seem as strange to say as I thought it would have been.

Life, as it seemed, was suddenly much odder than it had been that morning. And I had a gut feeling that it was only going to get worse from then on…

 

* * *

**End Chapter 2.**

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/Ns  
> -I mean Ratchet-fans no offense. But seriously he's so worthless. He's saved about three lives total throughout all the series and was entirely useless during the '07 film. Poor Ratchet.  
> -The 106th Infantry Division was a unit of the United States Army in World War II well known to be the hardest hit American unit of the Battle of the Bulge. (Source: Wikipedia). Good going, 'Cade.


	3. NOWAI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Utter crack, original characters, foul language, violence, mild out of character-ness, spoilers for 2007 movie, first person point of view  
> Disclaimer: Transformers is owned by Hasbro/Dreamworks. I only write this mess.

 

* * *

" _Part of me is still trying to understand what the fuck is going on, but the other part of me asks, 'does it matter?'"_ ~me

* * *

 

"If I die in the next few days unexpectedly, or under suspicious circumstances, it was Barry Cade," I almost whispered into the phone, my voice as dark as my bedroom was without the lights on. "You got that? Barry Cade."

On the other end of the line, I heard Lena make a sound of disbelief. "Who?" she asked, clearly shocked by my sudden pessimism.

It had been awkward enough to go home with both my parents and my sister thinking I had gone off the deep end once we left my aunt's house. I had nearly begged my sister to admit she remembered _Transformers_ , that she remembered going to see it with me twenty or so times. But she didn't. My parents didn't remember my ranting about how much I loved giant robots. I had jumped out of the car as soon as we pulled up to our maroon-colored home. I tore around my room in a frantic haste. Before that night, I had had two posters on my walls, one of Optimus Prime and the other of Bumblebee. They were gone. The DVDs, the games, the books weren't anywhere to be found. Even my Optimus Prime snow globe was gone. Everything was just…gone.

I briefly wondered if it were all some sort of joke played on me by my entire family. But "Barry Cade" was a rather convincing man. I was either hallucinating about the idea that _Transformers_ even existed, or I had just imagined the hour-long conversation I had with a Decepticon.

Or perhaps, I reminded myself weakly, I was right about _both_ things, and the world had suddenly flipped upside down over night.

I was panicking, to the say the least, so I did what I always did when I panicked: I called Lena. In the pitch-blackness of my room and sitting in the corner on my bed against the wall, I anxiously waited to speak to one of my closest friends, hoping that she of all people would believe me.

Lena was a smart girl. More than smart, really; she was downright ingenious. To be even more precise, she was talented in the area of conversation, and could outwit and outsmart nearly everyone I knew, including myself. She could lie like a rug and still ensnare your deepest respect. All that, and she was only four foot eleven.

"Becky," she began calmly. She was always calm, which was a skill I severely lacked. "Start over, and say that again."

"I'm going to say a word, and I want you to tell me if you know what it is," I said evenly.

"Okay…go ahead."

"Transformers."

I could almost hear her frown. "Huh?" she asked.

I winced painfully, and tried again. "Autobot," I said.

"Uh, what's that?"

"Decepticon?" I asked, almost begging. "Optimus Prime? Megatron? All Spark? Bumblebee?"

"Not ringing any bells, except for the last one, but I don't think you mean the bug," Lena finally said. She sounded concerned. "Are you okay? You sound terrible."

"Please," I said, fighting back tears of frustration and fear. I wrapped my free arm that wasn't supporting the phone around my legs and squeezed them tightly against my chest. "If you and my parents are in on some kind of joke, _please_ , it's not funny anymore."

Lena, thank God, was good at reading people (even by just their voice). She knew I was serious. "There's no joke going on that I'm aware of," she said quietly. "Becky, seriously, what's wrong?"

I inhaled deeply, trying to calm myself. "Do you believe in impossible things happening?" I asked her.

"Sure. Anything's possible."

"I think the impossible just happened, Lena," I whispered. I don't know why I was whispering; maybe to be subconsciously dramatic, or I was just totally upset.

"Oh?" Lena asked. She sounded surprised—and wary of what I was going to say.

How to say it, really? I bit my lip and tried to think of a way to say what I had to say. Just how do you tell your best friend that you might be crazy, but on the other hand, you might not be, and the whole world just changed overnight?

"You're gonna think I'm crazy," I began, wincing.

"No, I won't," Lena replied with ease. She must have been at her computer, because I heard her chair creak as though she were settling against it in anticipation for a long conversation. She just always knew. "Tell me what's happening."

"Alright," I said, suddenly a little braver. I cleared my throat and sat up straighter. "Six months ago, this movie came out, called Transformers. It was based on a really popular '80s cartoon, and now…"

I must have spent another hour explaining it all for the second time that night. The movie, the obsession that started, the weeks of being introduced to this complex child's cartoon…and then suddenly, it all disappearing.

"We went," I started in an almost threatening way, "two days after I saw the movie the first time. You and me and my sister. All three of us saw that movie _together_. I remember. I _know_ we saw it."

"A movie about giant robots?" Lena asked. She had been quiet for most of the explanation, digesting what I was rambling with remarkable ease. "I honestly can't remember doing that."

"I do. I remember everything about the movie."

Lena made a sound of surprise. "Ah, you don't think…?" she trailed off. She sounded enlightened.

"What?" I asked, alert. Perhaps she had an explanation…?

"Mission City!" she cried.

I felt my racing mind come to a screeching halt, as did my heart. "Huh?"

"Becky," Lena began, sounding surprised that I didn't know what she was talking about, "where have you been the last eight months? Don't you remember the Mission City attack?"

I was thinking, at that moment, something along the lines of _Oh fuck_. I felt my skin go sickeningly cold.

"Mission City," I repeated, my voice flat.

"Yeah," Lena replied. She sounded wary. "Come on, Beck, you have to remember all those rumors about it."

"Rumors?"

"Yeah. The government's calling it a terrorist attack, but people who were there said they said giant metal men running around," Lena said. She laughed. "Maybe you just picked up that idea and it stuck, or something."

"It actually happened?" I demanded, ignoring her last comment.

Lena hesitated. "Uh, yeah. Google it if you don't believe me. Seriously, how did you forget something like that? It's as big as 9/11."

"Lena, listen to me," I said urgently. I leaned forward on my bed, my nerves alight with anxiousness and fear. "Mission City happened in the movie."

"In the movie?"

I leaped out of my seat on the bed and into my computer desk chair. I waited for the computer to boot up. "Barry Cade's real name is Barricade," I said quickly. I had already explained what happened at the party. "He already admitted to me that he really was part of this Decepticon group, which originated from this movie and the 80s cartoon." I quickly brought up FireFox and Google, my breathing unsteady. "The Decepticons—the bad robots—came to earth in this story to defeat the Autobots—the good robots—and to retrieve some super powerful artifact called the All Spark that would grant them unlimited power." I typed in 'Qatar' and held my breath.

"Sounds like…Sci-Fi," Lena said, uncomfortable.

I stared at the screen, where all the search results came back with an unsettling familiar story about how a U.S. base over in Iraq had been attacked and decimated, leaving only a handful of survivors.

Just like the freakin' movie.

Captain William Lennox had been in charge of the small group of survivors.

Just the like the _freakin'_ movie.

"We even had a global blackout of cell phones last May," I whispered, only to myself. "Everything that happened in the movie has happened here…in this world."

"What are you talking about?" Lena asked. She sounded nervous again. "Becky, you're scaring me now."

"This whole thing is scaring me," I replied quietly. I went to eBay and typed in a familiar username. I nearly bashed my head into the screen. I had, apparently, missed the sale of a pair of old glasses by at least six months. I slammed my fist onto the keyboard and flung myself away from the desk, rolling along in my chair. "God damn it!"

Lena must have jumped in surprise at my angry shout. "What?"

"I'm either frickin' psychic," I began angrily, "or the world literally did flip realities! I swear—I swear to God, on my dead dog and my own life that I remember all of this happening—in the movie! But it's real now! WHY? WHY?"

"I don't know," Lena replied calmly. She was quiet, giving me time to speak. But as I sat there, I didn't have much to say.

What was there to say? No amount of description could give Lena back memories of something that apparently never happened. Unless there was someone else out there like me, alone with this knowledge of the franchise…

I was the only one who remembered.

…What did that mean?

"I have no idea what to do," I said, gripping my head. There was a headache lurking beneath the surface on my mind. "Barricade's the evidence that what I know is real…but if I'm the only one who remembers, that doesn't matter. I'm still going to sound crazy."

"I wish I could help," Lena said, sounding sympathetic. "Becky, I'm really sorry, but I really don't remember anything."

"I know you don't. It's okay," I said, sighing heavily. "Thanks for listening, anyway."

There was nothing Lena, or anyone really, could do or say to reverse what happened or make me feel any better. My only hope was to just go to bed and wake up and realize it was all a nightmare. But somewhere deep inside me, I knew…I knew that waking up would not turn Optimus Prime back into a snow globe.

This was real, for better or for worse.

"I need to think about this," I said. Sleep, regardless of whether it would bring me salvation tomorrow, was needed to clear up my budding headache. "I'll let you know if anything else happens. Or if I run into Barricade again."

"If you think this guy is dangerous, don't hesitate to bring the cops in," Lena warned, at least taking my concerns about "Barry" seriously. "Even if he isn't, you know, a giant robot."

"I appreciate the advice," I said, smirking wryly. Sending the cops after Barricade was a little ironic. Not to mention pointless; he'd just kill them all.

Lena was probably withholding a sigh. "Take it easy," she said, the frown practically visible in her voice.

"I will. Good night."

The call ended and I was left alone in my room, which felt surprisingly empty without the posters and random items I had once displayed on the shelves. It wasn't like they had all been removed and the empty places unfilled, just the _Transformers_ ones, but it still felt empty. I flopped onto my bed, feeling dizzy, exhausted and frightened all at the same time.

What _could_ I do? I couldn't go looking for the Transformers and I certainly couldn't just go running to the media. No one would believe me. And I'd probably be squished by a vengeful Barricade.

Barricade. What to do with him! I scowled darkly. Without any more information available online, I only had what I had read/seen before to go by when concerning the Interceptor. He was an interrogator and fierce warrior in the movie. In the original series, I think he was a racer or something (which is sort of ridiculous, but G1 was notoriously silly, so I let it slide.) He was a Decepticon, and automatically, that made him cruel, mean and homicidal.

But…I frowned inwardly, going over our encounter that evening inside my mind. He was still an asshole. And he was definitely homicidal. But…he wasn't cruel. He lashed out violently, but he wasn't aiming to kill me. And I knew, even if he was in human form, he could have killed me if he wanted to.

But he didn't. And then he went onto to proclaim he was in love with my cousin and was _marrying_ _her_.

What. _The_ fuck.

Eyes squinting shut, I groaned. This was completely and utterly—

My phone rang in my hand. I jumped and looked down at the caller I.D. and nearly fainted. _Emily Garvin_ shone clearly on the tiny screen. I stared at the screen, horrified.

I couldn't answer. There was no strength or will strong enough inside me to even think about opening the phone. I didn't want to know or hear what she had to say, terrified that she could make the insanity worse. It rang three more times before stopping. She didn't leave a message. I stared at the phone for a long time, unable to do much else. I had no idea how long it was until I blinked.

Then, the phone buzzed. Surprised, I realized I had a new text message. I opened the phone warily and saw it was from Emily.

Hey, becky! I don't kno when u'll get this, but we were wondering if u wanted to go shopping with us tomorrow? Call me asap! –Em

I stared at the screen, feeling the same horror return. _We_. _We_ , as in Barry and Emily, together. I'd be shopping with a Decepticon and the human chick he was marrying.

The absurdity of it all was overwhelming. It was too surreal to be real. It all had to be fake. I grit my teeth, pained. There was no way I could go. Barricade…he terrified me. He was real. His malicious spark was _real_.

But it was a chance to talk to him. I swallowed mechanically, trying to ignore the building cold dread in my stomach. As much as he was terrifying and turning my life into a living hell, he was the only real source I had on what really happened. The world only seemed to know the unclassified version, where the events had been a terrorist attack and nothing more. But I knew differently. And so did Barricade.

Even though the chances that this was some cruel joke were disappearing rapidly, it didn't hurt to try my luck.

With trembling fingers, I typed back, _Okay._

Her reply was speedy. _Gr8! We'll pick u up at 11 tomorrow! :)_

Those words seemed like a death sentence, condemning me to the unforgiving fate of knowing the truth. Part of me craved for it, but the other half was still clinging to the sweet retreat of ignorance. There was no turning away from this, however.

I was, literally, alone in the universe with a knowledge seemingly forgotten by everyone else except by those already involved—namely the people who apparently aren't supposed to exist. For some reason, I felt utterly depressed. I flipped my cell phone open, reading her text message over and over again.

 _Things happen for reasons_ , I remember thinking. _I can't be crazy if what I remember actually happened. What I remember aren't hallucinations. What happened, then? Why am I the only one who remembers anything?_

I slammed the phone shut, partially shaking with anger, partially shaking with fear.

Maybe, just maybe, things would be explained the next day. I think that was my sanity's only hope.

**000000000**

While the majority of my nerves went directly to worrying about how to deal with a Decepticon, a small portion was dedicated to worrying about how to help out with a wedding. I mean, I had gone to weddings before, but never really got involved.

Now I was helping to pick out the tuxedo for a Decepticon.

"I'm going to die of stress," I muttered into the back of the sofa, glaring out my front window as I waited for the object of my woes to arrive. I half-expected a black and white police car to pull up into the driveway.

I was pleasantly incorrect; a silver sedan pulled up into the drive instead. Gathering up my courage and my purse, I walked out to greet my cousin…and cousin-in-law-to-be.

"Morning!" Emily said brightly, stepping out of the—to my displeasure—passenger side seat. She gave me a hug, clearly happy I was there. "How are you, Becky?"

"I couldn't sleep much," I answered honestly, trying to send back a smile of my own. It took all my strength to turn and see Barricade getting out of the driver's side. As he stood, I was reminded of just how big this guy was. _Shiiiiit._

"Good morning," he said, politely. He wore a guarded expression, but his eyes pinned to me.

"Hi," I replied blandly. Suddenly feeling awkward, I started to move around Emily, toward the back door. "Ah, shall we get going?"

We suffered through more typical pleasantries as Barricade pulled out of the driveway and drove toward whatever mall or store we were headed to. Emily was the only one who was actually cheerful; I was attempting to be positive but it probably came off as strained. Barricade seemed content on looking bored.

"So, ah, where are we headed?" I asked finally.

Emily brightened. "Maxine's Bridal shop at the mall," she said. "I need to speak with the dressmaker to finalize some things with the bride's maids gowns, and Barry needs to pick out a tuxedo."

"I also need to pick up shoes," Barricade added, as if this was the most fucking natural thing in the world for him to be doing.

"Would you like to be the bridal party?" Emily suddenly blurted, forcing me out of focusing on the back of Barricade's head and to look straight at her in shock.

"What?" I said, stunned.

Smiling, Emily reached back and grasped my hand. "I know we've never really gotten too close, because of our age differences," she began in her oh-so-sweet way, "but I really wanted to see if you could join the party. You and Barry know each other, which makes me feel a lot better, because at least someone else in our family knows him. I would be honored if you were one of the bride's maids."

…Barricade seriously could not have been marrying this woman. She was too nice. Then again, perhaps Emily had swindled him the same way she was doing to me. With an overload of _niceness_.

"Uh…I…guess," I managed to say, still trying to get around the suddenness of it. "Um, I guess I need to get a dress…"

"We can get you fitted today!" Emily said with great cheer. She released my hand, but continued to beam at me like I had agreed to something truly amazing. "Thank you so much!"

I laughed weakly, saying it was nothing, but inwardly, I was beginning to wonder if I had truly gone insane. Maybe I was in a coma and this was all a dream. A dream filled with Barricade and brides maid dresses. I've had weirder.

"You don't mind the extra stop, then, for her dress?" Emily then asked Barricade, suddenly wary. "I'm not sure how long that will take, honey. I'm sorry."

Barricade shrugged in a mild way, giving no real indication of his actual feelings toward me being there. "I already had the day off. We may as well get as much done as we need to get done today," he said.

Emily chattered on about how _nice_ Barry was and how understanding he was being toward the wedding plans. I was content on staring pointedly at Barricade, watching his moves carefully. He apparently was very controlled around Emily. Almost manipulative. Freaking Decepticon indeed.

But it was then I noticed something odd. We were in a _car_. Barricade was _driving_ the car.

…Did that count as an out-of-body experience for these guys?

"…Didn't think you'd be the one driving," I said finally, unable to withhold my curiosity. I prided myself on the fact I barely flinched when his dark eyes met mine in the rearview mirror.

"Oh?" he drawled. His tone and facial expression were neutral, but his eyes held a threat inside them. I swallowed hard, nervous.

I shrugged. "Thought you might find it weird…" I hesitated when I saw his gaze turn just slightly more intense. "Ah, I mean, well…this is Emily's car after all."

Barricade rolled his eyes (Emily had just-so-happened to have turned around at that point) and went back to focusing on the road. Emily laughed suddenly, looking back at me.

"You're right. Though," she began thoughtfully, "in hindsight, I suppose it would be easier if we just went in you, Barry."

Barricade snorted, nodding. "I'd have to transform back eventually to go inside the mall, but yeah," he agreed, tapping the steering wheel rhythmically with his fingers. "I hate this driving in these human cars. They're such a waste. I don't require gasoline like these models do."

"Well, you have to adapt sometime," said Emily, lovingly positive. "And I prefer to look at this face than your metal one." Barry sent her a quick, but warm smile.

Meanwhile, I'm gaping rather obnoxiously in the back seat, quite horrified. Emily caught sight of me in the rearview mirror and she looked surprised.

"What's wrong, Becky?" she asked, both she and Barricade turning to look at me.

My brain almost broke. "Wh-what?" I demanded shrilly.

"What's wrong?" snapped Barricade, much more impatient than my cousin.

"SHE KNOWS?" I yelled, pointing wildly at Emily, who was immediately confused.

"Know what?" she asked.

"TH-THAT YOU'RE…!" I could barely say it. Emily was just sitting there, innocently watching me with confused interest.

Barricade was less enthused. "Calm down," he snapped, though not as viciously while in front of Emily as he would have been alone. He merely looked annoyed. "Of course she knows I am a Transformer. How could I possibly keep that secret from my fiancée?"

I gaped at him. "You…you…!" I couldn't put to words my disbelief and rage. He never bothered to tell me this. And I here I was, trying to keep it a huge secret.

"Becky, sweetie," began Emily, always sweet as she reached back and patted my hand comfortingly, "Barry told me you knew and were very upset by it. You're being so mature and wonderful by keeping quiet about it, but yes, I know." She frowned, as if saddened. "You're always so open-minded about other things."

"Oh, yeah, I'm real open-minded," I began, pissed as hell. "Especially when it comes to freakin' Decepticons marrying my cousin!"

It was then I looked up and saw Barricade's reflection in the rearview mirror. Turned around, Emily couldn't see his expression. I could. My heart stopped for two beats when I saw the pure, unadulterated, _I WILL KILL YOU,_ plastered all over his face.

"Decepticon?" repeated Emily, confused. "What's that?"

I opened my mouth, my original comment suddenly dying in my throat. Pure survival instinct kicked in and I decided to alter it.

"The bad Transformers," I said slowly, keeping a wary eye on Barricade's reflection as it grew more and more menacing.

"But you just said…" Emily said, confused and wary.

"Uh…I meant to say…um…I was uncomfortable with the idea of, uh, Decepticons threatening to _mar_ my cousin. You know, like, hurt you and…stuff," I finished, tearing my eyes away from the mirror and focusing on Emily. I smiled nervously. "Haha, you know, with 'Cade being the good guy and all, uh, that has to attract some, uh, bad attention from the bad guys on our family. You know?"

Emily laughed, waving her hand. "Oh, Becky, don't worry," she said brightly. "Barry's strong. He'll protect us all. Right?"

"Right," confirmed Barricade brightly. He flashed me a dark look in the mirror, but immediately smiled pleasantly at Emily when she went to hold his hand.

It was like watching a bi-polar evil alien interacting with my cousin. Sad thing was, it _was_ a bi-polar evil alien interacting with my cousin. I resisted the urge to slam my head into the back of the seat in front of me.

"So!" Emily began enthusiastically. "Let's forget about all the evil aliens and focus on fun things! Like how much fun going shopping will be!"

Even Emily's obnoxiously happy smile could do little to raise my spirits. I gave her the best smile I could muster. "Yeah. It's going to…be awesome."

As we drove on in a slightly-less-awkward silence, I looked up and saw Barry-Darling was looking at me in the mirror. He gave me a look that surely would have killed me if possible. I flipped him off, giving him back a dark look of my own.

This was beginning to be the worst day of my life.

 

* * *

**End Chapter 3.**

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Optimus Prime Snow globe. Why yes, I do have one.


	4. FMLPLZ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Utter crack, original characters, foul language, violence, mild out of character-ness, spoilers for 2007 movie, first person point of view  
> Disclaimer: Transformers is owned by Hasbro/Dreamworks. I only write this mess.

 

* * *

****" _You're an asshole? Well, isn't_ that _the understatement of the year." ~a friend_

* * *

**  
**

"What's wrong, Becky? I thought you liked green!"

I stared into the mirror, eye twitching, and I tried not to sound sarcastic. Emily was my cousin after all, and this was for her wedding. But my patience was not infinite.

"I love green. It's my favorite color," I said dully. "I just hate the _dress_ part."

"Oh." Emily frowned and stared at my reflection in the glass, pondering. She smiled brightly. "Well, you _look_ pretty!"

"…Thanks, Em."

Dress fittings were torture. Probably not as bad as being alone with a Decepticon, but humanity would rue the day that their alien foes discovered this sort of menacing torture. Nerds and tomboys would be the first to fall.

Barricade had gone off without us to the men's section of the wedding store to get shoes and look at dress shirts. Now that I knew Emily knew about Barricade, I didn't feel the need to hold back my commentary on him doing human things, like walking. Or clothes. Or shoes. We were discussing the concept of getting giant sneakers for his robot form when he stormed off. He was not pleased I could so easily get Emily to laugh at his expense, but obviously he underestimated the female half the species. If he could terrorize me behind her back, I could do so in front of her.

So, Emily took me to get fitted for a dress. Luckily, Emily's last bridesmaid backed out and I was almost her size, so they just had to adjust the hem a little. Oh, joy.

"Are you sure you want me in this thing?" I asked, half curious and half pleading for her to excuse me. I hated dresses. Oh, how I hated them.

"Of course!" she exclaimed, helping the dressmaker gather up the remaining supplies. "Like I said, you know Barry, and that means a lot to me."

I laughed weakly, glancing out at the shop. I could see "Barry" was over in the men's section. I really, really didn't like him. But I had to be careful how I acted around Emily. She might have missed out on the obvious stuff, but I… didn't want ot screw everything up. Barricade would kill me if I exposed his secret (his only remaining one it seemed) to her, at least now.

For now, I had to play nice with a Decepticon. Not the most fun I've ever had, let me tell you.

After escaping the confines of the dress (it really wasn't that ugly; just too dress-like), we made our way over to the seamstress counter. Emily was busy doing all the business-y details with the dresses. Adding mine onto the order, even if it was just a quick adjustment, caused all sorts of paperwork chaos. I sighed and resigned myself to stand there, holding a ridiculous outfit in my hands, as we waited for the lady to come back with the new papers. I don't know what I would have preferred more; standing there in Wedding Land, or having a glare-down with Barricade. I was ready to shoot myself during either event.

Emily hummed to herself absently as we waited and I contemplated coming up with an excuse to steal off to the food court and grab a drink. I then wondered about finding Barricade. We had so much to talk about still, but I just didn't know if I had the strength to actually confront him. He was terrifying and I was on the verge of a mental breakdown. Not a good combination.

I didn't realize Emily had stopped humming until she spoke up. "You don't really get along do you?" she suddenly said, breaking the silence.

I almost dropped the parcel I was holding. "Huh?"

Emily looked over at me, smiling gently. "You and Barry," she said. "You were very tense in the car."

_Ohshit._ "N-no! We—we're just…!" I began, struggling to find an answer. I bit my lip. I couldn't _lie_ to her, not about this. "Emily… I'm just… nervous. About the whole…" I looked around nervously before leaning closer to her to whisper, " _Alien_ thing."

That wasn't a lie. It wasn't the total truth, but it was part of the truth.

Emily nodded, but then surprised me by asking, "You're scared for me or just of Barricade?" That was the first time I had ever heard her say his full designation.

"Well… both I guess. He's not really friendly," I said awkwardly. I froze and then immediately tried to backpedal on my mistake. "I mean, uh, he can be a bit rough around the edges, but, I know you like him a lot. Obviously. Don't think that I don't, um, approve or whatever."

I really, really didn't. But if I said to much and didn't explain my real reasons for not liking Barricade… I needed Emily to be on my side. I had a feeling that was the only reason I was still alive, actually.

"I see," she murmured, looking away. I frowned nervously, not knowing what she meant. Emily could be rather silly… but she wasn't dumb.

We stood waiting for another whole minute and I was beginning to feel very awkward. Emily wasn't looking at me now, but seemed lost in thought. I sighed softly and gazed out at the dress racks, trying to pretend to be busy admiring the designs. I had never wished to be somewhere else more than I did then.

"…I know…he's not really safe," Emily suddenly began, startling me. She was looking at me again with a distant, but strangely serious look. "For me. Or for anyone. He used to be way more aggressive. Tore a tree down with his bare hands, and that was only because he couldn't reach my car."

I blinked. "Uh…" Well, _THAT_ sure sounded like love at first sight. JesusChristonabike. "Then… wh-why… did you…?"

"Save him? Stick by him?" Emily asked, smiling as she glanced over at me. "Becky, everyone needs a friend. And more than that… if we don't believe people can change for the better, how can we ever trust anyone? I'm not stupid. I know there's a war going on and I know he's a solider—an alien solider." She sighed, still smiling gently, and looked away, toward the mall. "But I still love him. That's enough for me."

_And_ enough to get us all _killed_ , but I didn't mention that.

"…You really do love him, huh?" I murmured, staring at the rack of dresses absently, not even trying to pretend to be interested in their colors and shapes anymore. Emily could make anyone feel fuzzy and good on the inside, even if they were on the verge of a mental breakdown.

"Yes. I hope you can be better friends with him too." Emily beamed innocently. "Though…I guess you can't really be friends with your unit commander."

She was looking away at the time, but I managed to silently scream, _"FUCK,"_ into the air, and then bury my face into the dresses. Fuzzy feelings were vaporized.

"Right," I seethed. "Definitely not gonna be friends."

"You do like him, though, right, at least a little?" Emily asked, smiling sadly, pleading. "I mean, you can accept this?"

Accept the alien, not the evil alien, she meant. I sighed heavily, my mind definitely threatening to commit suicide at that point. This was all too much. It just wasn't _fair_.

"…As long as he doesn't bring trouble to our family, then, I guess so," I grumbled eventually. "I'm just scared this might… I don't know… go wrong."

Emily smiled confidently. "We're a family that sticks together. If it goes wrong, we have each other," she said, full of optimism.

The image of Starscream or Soundwave attacking my house was soon replaced by the image of my grandmother and great-aunt Louise fighting them off with matching pairs of Panzerschrecks. I snorted and quickly went back to perusing the dress racks. Totally plausible. "Haaa, you're right."

Emily suddenly turned around. "Where is Barry anyway?" she asked, peering over the racks around the store. "Oh, there he is. He's over by the dress shirts." She smiled brightly at me, but there was a hesitant look in her eyes. "If you want… I can get these dresses settled. Why don't you go see if he needs any help. If you want to."

"…Sure." I looked over at the man-mech in question, my gaze and voice growing colder. "I think we need to talk anyway."

I doubted anything could really fix our situation… but perhaps a talk was in order. I had a few things I had thought of to say—and by Primus, Barricade was going to listen.

**00000**

"Bumblebee's outside. He wants to know if you need your ass kicked again. I said you might."

Barricade hissed, refusing to look at me as he flicked through rows of Tuxedo shirts. "Go away."

I slid up, unafraid, and stood at the front of another row with my arms crossed. "What if he really is outside though?" I asked, arching an eyebrow.

"Then I get to kill you and then kill him."

"You're _such_ a nice guy," I snapped, dropping my arms. I didn't doubt it though, not for a second, that he would do it. He could probably convince Emily that it was an accident, or it was food poisoning. Sneaky bastard.

"Why are you over here?" Barricade growled, glaring at me out of the corner of his eye. "I thought you were getting dresses."

"Em sent me over to play nice," I muttered. He didn't say anything and I wasn't feeling too good about it either. "Apparently she caught onto our animosity. She's blaming it on xenophobia on my part. Not exactly wrong, but in the wrong sense."

Barricade only grunted. "Hmp."

Curiosity over several unmentioned issues began to poke at my brain. "So what did you tell her?" I asked at length, frowning. "That you're a neutral or something?"

"Yes." Barricade glared at me, pausing over a suit jacket. "One word about me being associated with the Decepticons—" he began threateningly.

"And you'll kill me," I interrupted, unimpressed. "It seems that if I do anything but breathe in your presence and you'll kill me."

He bore his teeth at me. "I'd disallow breathing too if I had a way to make Emily hate you," he said coldly.

I glared back at him. "Good luck with that." I paused and scowled. "…I doubt she'd care if she found out though. She's wrapped _preeetty_ nicely around your finger. Asshole."

Barricade turned swiftly. I flinched but held my ground even as he glared down at me. "You _really_ want me to find a reason to _accidentally_ break your neck? I'm sure I could find a way to do that."

For some reason, my patience evaporated instantaneously at that point. " _Dude_ , I am _so_ beyond caring right now." I began to flip through the suit racks, my anger becoming overwhelming. "I mean— _FUCK_. Nothing makes sense anymore. I'm confused about everything—from you being real, to Emily actually loving you, to _YOU_ actually loving her— _if_ you even do." Stepping back, I threw my hands up, exasperated. "Sorry for being kinda pissy, but I think I have a pretty goddamn good reason to distrust you!"

"Can't you distrust me somewhere else? !" Barricade demanded angrily, glancing around quickly to see if anyone was nearby. No one was, not even the salespeople, whom he had probably scared off earlier.

"I…" I bowed my head into the row of clothes, mentally and physically exhausted. "Christ… I just… I'm so confused." This wasn't fair. Everything was just a mess.

The Decepticon was merciless. "I don't care," he growled, turning his back to me.

I glared at the back of his head, enraged. "You're not understanding my point of view at all," I complained, trying desperately not to sound like I wanted to cry. I sure wanted to. "Hell, I don't even think you could if you wanted to."

"Well, you're certainly not being Prime-like on my half of the matter either, brat."

" _I'm_ the one with biases to worry about!" I cried, outraged. "All I ever knew about you, that was canon, was that you're a monster who kills people. And now you're claiming to have turned a new leaf and you're marrying my cousin. Don't you think that I'm a _LITTLE_ entitled to freaking out about all of this? !"

"There's nothing to freak out about!" he exclaimed. He gripped the side of his head, aggravated. "Primus—you are just a neurotic brat who knows too much about things you shouldn't know about. I have done nothing wrong, so frag off."

"Nothing wrong? ! You tried to _kill_ Bumblebee and Sam! And that was only in the _movie_!" I sputtered. "God knows what you actually did for real, _if_ this is actually happening!"

Barricade clenched his fists, looming darker and larger than he had before. It was like he had Evil Badass voodoo powers. "I don't need you to preach to me about right and wrong, human. Go away," he growled angrily.

"I can't fathom how Emily even likes you," I said darkly, my anger destroying any sense of self-preservation instincts I had. "You're a fucking, heartless asshole."

"Well, tough shit, she does like me," the Decepticon snapped, whirling away again. I followed him two steps as he angrily tore through the racks of shirts now. "We are getting married and you can't do anything about it."

"I don't even get how _YOU_ like her. I mean, _Jesus_!" I cried, my brain at its limits for contemplating this madness. "You can't stand someone like me, and yet you're apparently 'head over heels' for the nicest chick in Idaho?" I hesitated. "…Well, I guess that wins over a mean person by default, but _still_. You're a jerk. Why would you like a nice person?"

"Maybe I just honestly got _tired_ of fighting? Ever think of that, genius?" he demanded hotly. He looked over at Emily, looking somehow frustrated and… defensive. "When I proposed last month, I thought she was going to say no too, because I'm not a nice person. But she said yes. I don't know why." He looked back at me with an accusing glare. "I guess she saw something that narrow-minded Autobot-drones like _you_ wouldn't look for."

" _Wait_ ," I started to say, suddenly disturbed, "you proposed to her _last_ month?"

My change of pace surprised him. "Yeah," Barricade said, frowning. "What about it?"

"Dude!" I cried, suddenly livid. "You've only known each other for a year, and you're getting _married_? !"

He glared down at me, shoving another shirt back onto the rack. "So?"

"You told me that it took you a while to fall in love with Emily!" I exclaimed.

"It did."

"One year isn't a long time! Hell, _two_ years isn't a long time!"

Okay, I was exaggerating again, but I was pretty upset at that point.

"You are a _monster_ ," I seethed, pointing directly at his chest, unafraid of the consequences now. "I don't care what Emily thinks or what you made her think about you. I know the truth. And the truth is—none of this is real. You're a fictional villain from a TV show and you're a monster who kills people." I brought myself up to my full height of five-foot-four and daringly continued, "That's a fact too and don't think you can just run away from it by playing nice with one or two people—because you're still a monster in the end!"

Barricade's glare went from mildly angry to enraged. "You are seriously _NOT_ improving your standing with me, brat," he began, words both frigid and frightening.

At that point, however, I didn't care if I was arguing with Gandhi. I wanted to beat the shit out of him and then cry. "I don't care!" I shouted, forgetting where we were. With an angry laugh, I backed off, throwing my hands up and tried to walk away. "Fuck, this is ridiculous. I don't know why I'm trying. This isn't real. You're not real. _Transformers_ is a fucking cartoon and movie series."

Barricade suddenly whipped out and grabbed my arm. His hands were like a vice grip and I thought for a moment I had gone too far and he was going to hurt me. But he didn't; he just whirled me around to face him. He glared down into my face, his anger restrained but emotion stronger than ever in his words and expression.

"Did you ever stop and ask yourself if _you_ were the illusion?" he hissed lowly, looming over the entirety of my vision.

I was stiff as a board and trembled within his grasp. "What?" I demanded, eyes wider.

"You heard me," said Barricade, growling every word. "Why are you being so arrogant to assume that I am the fictional one here? You know so much and yet are so uninvolved in what you know. Who is to say you are not the anomaly?"

"Because!" I sputtered, completely shocked and insulted. What was he trying to say, anyway? Of course I was the real one! I had memories, dreams and people in my life that knew who I was. I knew who I was. I was no dream.

But he said the same thing.

I paused, suddenly taking that in.

"That's impossible," I said, now disturbed. "I…I can't be…I have a family. I've always lived here. I've…always existed."

"In your perspective," Barricade corrected, nastily, shoving me away from him and I stumbled into a rack of clothing. He sneered. "I have memories, too. I have companions and witnesses to my existence as well. We both have proof that we exist, yet none to prove each other does not." His eyes were dark with anger. "Perhaps we both did not exist and now, for whatever reason, we do. The universe has changed. Our very existences were created. After all, what _is_ existence? The power to claim, 'I am.' Well, 'I am,' brat, very much here."

I opened my mouth to speak, but only a weak sound escaped. I couldn't think of anything to counter him. He was right. Existence was entirely relative. But how did that apply to now? Was I really psychic? Was I somehow trapped in an alternate universe where my life was the same, except my favorite cartoon had become real?

My brain was starting to hurt terribly so.

"I don't know, okay?" I snapped, pulling out another jacket. I practically threw it at him, getting more and more upset. "I don't care either. You're here, I'm here, we're all fucking here, so I guess we're all stuck with one another. Just leave me alone."

"With pleasure," replied Barricade, coldly as he caught the jacket with arrogant ease.

I stormed away from that section of the store and headed toward the front. I was finished with all this nonsense—everything from Transformers to weddings.

"Becky? Where are you going?" Emily called from the front desk, alarmed.

"Home!" I shouted back, waving at her. "I'll take the bus. Call me later about the wedding stuff!"

"But—!"

I was too upset to try to pay attention to her now. I was done with all of this. I had to get out of there to just breathe, to get my mind together.

This was not how it was supposed to work. Barricade was the fake one, the monster, the bad guy. I was real. This was all flipped onto my side. That's the only way, the only logical way, for any of this to make sense.

I hated him so much, for everything. He was ruining my sanity, my family, my life—

And yet…

I stopped at the escalator, breathing as though I had just run a mile.

This… was it.

All of it.

_This_ was reality.

Everything that had happened, whether in my head or to other people, was what I had as a reality now. Barricade, the wedding, Transformers disappearing—all of it was "real."

There was a chance that he was right… that I was the fake one. But there was a chance (and I hoped the real answer) that I was right and he was fake.

But we were both real _now_.

I stared out, trying not to cry, but it was so hard. I was _terrified_. Nothing made sense. But that wasn't the point. Neither Barricade nor I could find the answers, and if we couldn't, who else could besides some higher power or whatever caused this? We were alone in this world, be it new or old.

Arguing about it was pointless… and so was trying to fight it. I closed my eyes and tried to find balance. I wouldn't accept it, but I had to start to find a way to just survive this.

Turning on my heel, I marched past Emily and the startled shoppers and headed right back toward Barricade, who was watching me with as much wariness as a dog would a cat; I looked menacing but he could easily beat the shit out of me.

Luckily for everyone, I was done looking for a fight.

"We _need_ to talk," I said simply, staring him right in the eyes.

Barricade didn't even flinch. "Not here," he replied. He was right; this had to be discussed discreetly.

I took a notepad out of my purse and wrote down my cell phone number, handing him the paper. "Here's my phone number." I took a deep breath and tried to stay firm, for just a little longer. "Just… don't… hurt Emily," I began, trembling. "Please. I don't care if this is real or not… just don't hurt her if you really are up to something."

"I'm not," he said, eyes narrowing. He didn't get angry though. He looked back toward the exit. "Go, if you're leaving."

He didn't have to tell me twice. I waved at Emily, who watched this all helplessly, and I focused on finding a bus home—and words to tell Barricade when the time came.

This would not be easy.

**00000**

It was like I was a secret agent, only I was trying to make peace with a giant alien robot who was sometimes human and was marrying into my family. So… totally not like a secret agent, but I still had to sneak out of my house at an ungodly hour to meet up with the guy. The park was half-way in between where apparently he was living (how the _hell_ he had an apartment, I was still trying to figure out) and my own house. I ended up sitting alone at a bench for a good few minutes, wondering just how much more craziness my nerves could take, when finally, Barricade arrived.

I saw him walking up from around the walking path. The park wasn't really populated at that time of day, but we were in a pretty open location so I didn't feel too unsafe.

_Too_ unsafe.

"Hey," I called out, trying to put on a strong front. Inside, my gut was pure butterflies.

"What do you want?" Barricade snapped as he walked up closer. He stopped short of the bench I was sitting on and glared down at me like I was some sort of bug.

I had to do this. Before we actually did end up killing each other. I took several breaths and tried to calm myself.

_Here goes nothing._

"…I think… we need to come to an understanding. Right now." I looked him straight in the eye; he looked back without a shred of fear or emotion. "I hate you, you hate me, and reality is fucked up, regardless of who is right. It doesn't matter if you're the fake one, or if I'm the fake one, or if God's just fucking with everyone—it doesn't matter. Because right now? This is real." I looked out at the park and motioned at it. "Just… this."

"This" being the reality where Barricade was real, Transformers were real, he was marrying my cousin and I… I was the only fan left. The only one who even KNEW of any of this.

No matter who was right or wrong… we had to deal with what was happening _now_.

"Even if you are a Decepticon…or was at one time…" I continued, my throat not cooperating. I coughed and looked at the ground. "You're marrying my cousin. Into the family. And that means you're part of the family, whether I like it or not." I looked up, braving to look him in the eye. He was just staring at me blankly, watching carefully. I inhaled shakily. "And if you're family… I just hope this doesn't wind up hurting anyone. Including you."

Because if he was hurt, Emily would be hurt. And I hated it when my family was hurt, even more so when I was the one who caused the problems. Barricade was a Decepticon, or at one time was, but now… I guess I had to label him as something other than 'evil.' He was 'family,' too. Years of politeness and manners training under my mother forbade me from excluding him from that.

Barricade took in what I said and scowled. "Sentimentality like that really does make you sound like an Autobot," he said, sneering, as if that were a _problem_. Inconsiderate jerk.

"Quizilla personality tests wouldn't lie to me," I replied flatly. I huffed and looked away, trying to find the right words. "Seriously? You're not too bad. You're an ass, but… you haven't done anything too Decepticon-like. Yet." I clenched my fist, forcing myself to stay firm. "I won't hesitate to report you to the cops if you do, though."

As expected, he wasn't impressed by my threat. "If you survive my Decepticon-like actions," he growled, glaring at me.

I paused. "True." There was no denying that, but I would definitely try.

Huffing in anger, Barricade slammed down onto the bench, making me jump. He refused to look at me and seemed content in trying to glare the bushes across the path to spontaneously explode. I swear to God, they started to smoke by the time he finally deigned to turn and look at me again.

"You're not going to listen…" he began, clearly struggling to find the right words (or to force himself to speak somewhat-civilly), "but I… I do not wish to do anything for the Decepticon cause. Megatron is dead. Starscream is a lunatic and left me stranded." For some reason, his bitterness was surprising. He was getting angry again, but for once, it wasn't at me. "The first display of kindness I received in a million years came from a creature I normally would have swatted flat in two seconds." He turned away, but glanced at me, almost…warily. "Whether or not you believe it—that means _something_."

I watched his reactions carefully, partly because I was afraid he'd flip shit and hurt me, and partly because I was just curious. "…Maybe I am wrong about you," I said quietly, considering. I didn't trust him entirely, but… he was honest. Maybe a jerk, but I doubted he would have put this much effort into a lie for nothing. He had no reason to keep secrets from _me_ ; I already knew them.

Barricade hesitated at my comment, but he immediately returned to glaring. "There is more to us than meets the eye," he said, irritated.

I froze. "You did _not_ just say that," I began, my eye twitching.

"What?" Barricade asked, raising an eyebrow of confusion.

Oh, the humanity. Oh, the _IRONY_. "Never mind," I moaned, shaking my head. With a heavy sigh, I continued to say, "I guess in the end, it doesn't matter for either of us, 'cause we can't change the facts… the facts being what we each believe is true. I can't change what I believe and you can't either. So…"

Barricade frowned. "So...?" he drawled, impatient.

I looked at him, serious. "Either we're both crazy and you're not really a robot and I'm just a fucking nerd, or its beyond anything we can explain. So…that's it." I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. "Just suck it up and move on."

To what, I had no idea. To a wedding, to a life where not only was my favorite fictional series real (or I was just insane), and to a world where I had a Decepticon in the family.

…It could have been worse.

"You could have been Starscream," I muttered darkly to myself, looking away. " _Definitely_ could have been worse."

"Or Megatron," Barricade snorted. I couldn't help but smirk.

"Having Megatron in the family would be awesome, though," I said, grinning at the idea. Oh, Jesus, the unibrow would made me die from laughter I think. "Or Soundwave. Soundwave is cool."

"They would have killed you instantly," Barricade said, scoffing.

I rolled my eyes, already knowing _that_ much. "Why? You're not as evil?" I taunted.

Not going for the bait, Barricade just glared. "They're not as patient."

Well, that made some sense. "Ah. I see." I stretched, trying to hide my jitters; I was a wreck emotionally. This whole situation was enough to make me want to curl up in the corner and cry. My anxiety attacks were going to become much more frequent, I thought. "Well, thanks for not killing me. I still hate you for making everyone think I joined the army, though." We still needed to work on covering that up…

"And I hate you for bringing up any of this," Barricade snapped angrily. With a growl, he ran his hand over his face, aggravated. " _Primus_ … look." He stared at me directly in the eyes, his gaze fierce. "I won't tell anyone you're insane or a prophet or whatever the frag you are, but you can't tell anyone about me. Does that sound fair to you, human?" He sounded so sarcastic, but I knew he was being honest. And I knew that what he was 'offering' wasn't just a threat—it was all I really could do.

"As fair as I'm gonna get," I replied glumly. "Whatever. Not like anyone would believe me."

"The Autobots…" he began, trailing off with a hiss. Barricade didn't look too trusting about me not contacting them.

And to be honest, I had thought about it. But then reality hit again: where the hell would I be able to call them? It wasn't like I had access to the military, not really. I'd be labeled as a nut and never get close to Keller or any of the commanding officers I'd need to talk to. There was always finding Sam Witwicky, but… I shivered. As much as I dreaded going alone with Barricade… I think I was more afraid of finding out that everything else was real. I think insanity was more comforting that the alternative.

"If I run into one, we'll see," I finally said, glancing at him. "I'm still holding out for you to be some figment of my imagination. Or me waking up from a coma and this was all a horrible dream." I paused and grimaced. "With dresses. And Decepticons." Ugh.

Barricade glared at me. "You have _severely_ skewed priorities," he deadpanned.

"And you're an alien robot who had a sex change. Body change. Whatever." I groaned and dropped my head into my hands, saying, "Fucking deal with it." I wasn't sure if I was speaking to him or to myself.

Barricade sneered and stood up. I refused to look at him as he walked away. I heard the sound of a car, but I didn't look up to see if it was him transforming. I was a little wary still to find out exactly _how_ he did the whole organic-to-inorganic thing. I assumed I would have time to find out.

Three months until the wedding. This… was going to a _long_ first part of a new life.

And then, of course, it got _worse_.

 

* * *

**End Chapter 4.**

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -"More than meets the eye…" LOL YOU SAW THAT COMING  
> -The reason Becky knows what she does and why Transformers is real WILL be explained, but not in this story. Don't worry, the stories are very short, so you'll get an answer soon!


	5. LOLZ?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Utter crack, original characters, foul language, violence, mild out of character-ness, spoilers for 2007 movie, first person point of view  
> Disclaimer: Transformers is owned by Hasbro/Dreamworks. I only write this mess.

 

.

* * *

" _I think the appropriate thing to say in a situation like this is, 'you're retarded; go die.'"_ ~my sister

* * *

 

Weddings are a horror no sane person should ever willingly go through. I'm not sure if I will ever get married (or even live to reach that point in a relationship), but we're eloping in Vegas and the bellhop will be the best man. End of story.

In any case, Emily was no bridezilla, thank _GOD_ , but her mother was a different story. I actually felt pity for Barricade, putting up with an over-obsessive mother-in-law. I think if Aunt Kara knew how close he came to transforming in their living room and stomping her to death, she wouldn't have been so cranky about his decision to leave out a best man, or his general less-than-friendly appearance all the time. If she only knew. If only.

The day before the wedding, I found myself alone with the man for the first time since our meeting at the park. It wasn't as awkward as I thought it was going to be. We were mostly discussing things about the wedding, since Emily was out with her girlfriends for a last night out (of course I didn't go, I was still in high school). Somehow, discussions of tables melted away into a semi-awkward silence as we stared out at the evening sky as I waited for my mother to come pick me up.

It could have been a weirder situation, I had to admit grimly.

"You sure you're going to do this?" I asked, quietly, glancing over at Barricade. We were both out on Emily's apartment's balcony. It had a lovely view of the train station.

He didn't even look at me. "Yes." He was a man of few words.

"…Well…" I began, and then sighed. "Okay."

"No last snark?" he asked, sarcastic, peering at me out of the corner of his eye. Judging. Waiting.

There were a lot of things I wanted to tell him, but I wasn't too sure how safe I was from being murdered if I went too far. "I'm happy that Emily's happy," I replied, which was true. I leaned against the railing, heaving another sigh. "She could have done worse."

Barricade snorted. "I'm sure."

"Yeah. I've had nightmares that it had actually been some crazy dude like Megatron or Shockwave." I grimaced, pictures flashing across my mind of both mechs. "Oh, God, terrible images."

The alien rolled his non-alien eyes. "Right."

That was probably the closest encounter we had without any yelling or screaming. I was significantly less stressed out by the time morning came around. It was a fresh start for a lot of reasons. The wedding was taking place at a local golf course. It was a beautiful day, really, and even I had to admit, I was a little excited.

"Alright, the flowers go over there," I instructed my cousins, who were making last minute arrangements on the pseudo-altar they had set up. Barricade was lingering by the edge of the stage, wearing his usual sour-face. It was an irritating moment for him because Emily was off getting ready and he was forced to interact with the normal humans. What a shame.

Looking out at the seats, I could see a mix of people on both sides of the center aisle. I smiled to myself, happy to note that Emily had agreed with my suggestion and let anyone sit wherever, as opposed to the groom's family on one side and the bride's on the other.

'Cause, you know, Barricade didn't have anyone. He had told her to forget about it, so this was the better solution. My family just thought he was an orphan or something. I forget how many stories Barricade actually had to come up with to stay believable. I secretly hoped he screwed up after a while; he was too sneaking for his own good.

Speaking of the 'Con… I smiled up at him, even though he only scowled back; I knew he was excited, too. After three months of watching him literally put up with squishy hell, he was either the best undercover agent in the world with the worst cover ever, or he genuinely cared for the whole marriage thing. Either way, I was excited for the wedding. I worked my ass off on those decorations, so yeah, it was going to be awesome.

However, I had seemed to forget a key fact about not only the wedding, the groom and myself, but the general way fate was working for me as of that moment. No longer was I to be spared from spontaneously ridiculous situations that arose from no where and had no real purpose other than to make my life, once so mundane, into something akin to a giant alien robot soap opera.

We were ten minutes to starting the wedding ceremony, and I was about to head back to the bride's grouping to get in line—when suddenly, abruptly and without warning, a jet screamed overhead.

A jet could have been an expected occurrence; we were only two miles from an airport.

But something—something deep within my gut—told me to look again. The black dot making circles overhead had to have been something more than just a random jet. I prayed that I was wrong. It vanished from the sky, but I waited.

I froze, and out of the corner of my eye, I saw Barricade tense. I looked up at the tree line, feeling extremely uneasy. Something in my gut told me that something bad was going to happen. The roaring sound came closer and closer. I heard Barricade inhale sharply.

"Starscream," I whispered, staring up imploringly at the sky, as if begging it to tell me it was a lie.

Barricade said nothing, neither to confirm my fear nor to deny it.

Then, overhead, the jet shot over, much, much closer this time. I jumped back, stifling a scream. Barricade cursed lowly and moved to the side. His eyes never left the jet as it disappeared overhead behind some trees. I mimicked him, and kept an eye on the fleeting aircraft. I heard someone in the audience murmur how annoying it was to be so close to the airport with all the low flying jets.

_You have no idea_ , I answered mentally. My skin felt clammy as I tried to think it over rationally. There was no way any of us could do anything to stop the Decepticon if he tried to attack. Barricade would not want to transform in front of everyone, let alone his wife-to-be, who was waiting just beyond that arch at the other end of the walkway.

"I'll distract him," I said suddenly.

"You'll what?" Barricade demanded, shooting me a wild look.

"I'll throw rocks at him or something. Get him to pull over." Briefly, I realized how ridiculous I sounded. My mind was numb to self-criticism at the moment, however. I had finally accepted this reality as my own, and I was not about to let some surly and narcissistic fighter jet from Mars ruin the wedding ceremony that I had spent so much energy into helping to create.

Barricade scoffed. "He'd kill you without hesitation," he said. So, it _had_ been Starscream. My hopes of just being overly dramatic died.

"Well, would you rather strike up a brawl right here and now on the altar?" I hissed angrily, looking at him.

Instead of answering, he walked away. He walked passed the priest and the line of ladies in waiting. Instantly, hushed whispers bombarded the air. Everyone did not know where the surly groom was suddenly stalking off to, but I did. I wasn't thinking very clearly then, but I do remember hoisting up my dress and running after him.

"What are you doing?" I demanded, ignoring the startled looks of my family.

He shot a dark look over his shoulder. We were heading away from the assembled group, and towards the golf course parking lot. "Starscream is looking for me," he said. "I will lead him away."

"You're walking out on your own wedding!" I cried, disbelief in my eyes and voice.

"And saving the lot of you!" he replied sharply.

His words caused me to stop on the path. I watched him walk several feet ahead, before he stopped too, noticing I was no longer following him. His dark, terrifying eyes met my own and suddenly—

A _lot_ of things made sense.

"Maybe this isn't like the movie," I said so suddenly, I startled myself.

Barricade flinched and looked at me, his eyes narrowing. "What?" he demanded.

I gave him a small smile. "The movies and the books gave us such a narrow-minded perspective about the Decepticons. Obviously…you're not totally evil. You…can be nice."

Because books and movies were only telling the story of the hero, of the winner, just like history books. There was only defined good and evil because you never got to hear the evil side's story. The books and films…they never bothered to show what the bad guys were thinking. There was never a chance to assume the _bad_ guys were just…people. Just like everyone else.

"You don't start a civil war for the hell of it," I said suddenly. I was only partially focused on the stunned Decepticon. My mind was caught up in my own revelations. "You don't risk your life just for someone else's dreams. You… and the other Decepticons… were fighting for something once."

For their own riches, their own dreams, their own freedoms and concerns. That was not inhuman. That was not _evil_.

Barricade stared at me with a guarded expression. I smiled sadly, finally understanding a war I had once considered black and white myself.

"And now you're fighting for us." For some of the creatures he had once been ready to massacre. He was willing to risk life and limb once again, not for a rebellion, but to lure his ex-leader away from those unimportant humans.

All because he fell in love.

"Let's do this," I said, nodding. If a Decepticon could be brave—well, damn it, so could I.

Barricade stared at me for a second, and then, jaw tensing, turned away again. He began to look in his pockets furiously for something. I watched him, not sure what he was going to do next, until he found what he had been looking for.

"What are you…" I began, but then I noticed he was holding up a square silver object. "Is that the converter?"

"Yes," Barricade replied, distracted.

"What does this thing do, exactly?" I asked, staring at the strange device. It didn't seem to attach to his body, which was logical, I guess. I never saw him with it before.

Barricade busily began to alter things on the machine, probably to turn it on. He did take the time to reply, however. "Compresses my overall mass and reassembles according to the figures already entered into the database. I pre-scanned a human male and that's how it worked for this body," he said quickly. He put the machine down "To reverse it is just as simple. The mass is the same, regardless of my shape. Back up five yards."

"Is that why you take the stairs all the time—?" I started to ask as I obeyed the command, but the giant-alien-robot-science in front of me quickly stole all of my attention.

I will be honest: I have no fucking idea what happened after that. I mean, I know what I saw, and what Barricade told me later, but really? _Really_? All I knew of physics was spontaneously tossed out the window in a matter of twenty seconds, tops. All I could do to keep my mind from committing seppuku was the fact that I remembered that scene from the _Transformers_ movie where the All Spark shrank in Bumblebee's hands and my dad commenting on how it was physically impossible for it to condense its mass that much.

Well, dad, sorry. You were, ah, wrong.

It was just like the All Spark scene, minus the giant cube, and including a six-foot tall man suddenly expanding into a giant metal robot of death. I really… can't describe it as anything different. Every time he did that afterward, it still escaped my meager vocabulary to describe. Some things I guess are like that. I personally would have rather seen him doing a pirouette like Sailor Moon, but just… just keep envisioning the All Spark scene.

I stood there, my dress flapping helplessly in the wind caused by the disturbance of air Barricade's true form created, and just gawked upward at the massive Transformer who slowly turned to face me with glowing red eyes.

Suddenly, I realized, this was it. That was the proof I needed… for this being real life… or for me having totally lost my mind. At least the "People are Trolling Me" option was out the window now. Definitely.

"…Holy fucking shit, what the fuck was that," I was mumbling incoherently, taking an instinctive step backwards as Barricade faced me completely. His red eyes were like demon's.

"You're taking this better than I had expected," the mech in front of me said. _OhJesus_. I whimpered and tried to remain upright on my feet, but I was beginning to feel lightheaded. It was really a _mech_ … this was _real_! He sounded terrifying and he made so much noise walking around. It was _too_ real, _too_ …

And then he transformed. I stared, trying not to let my heart explode. I couldn't believe what I was seeing.

_You're in a fan fiction. Or a daydream_ , I told myself over and over, trying to remember how I had always thought I would act. Maybe that would help.

"Well, my heart just stopped," I offered, my voice cracking as the robot finally stopped transforming. All I had in front of me was a police interceptor. "And I feel like vomiting. Does that count for anything?"

"Get in if you're coming. We need to lure him away," Barricade snapped, his side door opening.

I stared at him in silent horror as I struggled to get control over my mind again. "Right." Slowly, stiffly, I approached the car and slid into the front seat. It was like a normal car, but the entire time, my mind was screaming the opposite. "Hooooooooly God almighty, this is insane," I said quietly to myself, staring forward in dulled horror. "I am insane. Everyone is insane right now."

Barricade didn't think it was time to joke around, even as a psychological coping mechanism. "And you're still stupid. Glad you recognize it," he growled, his engines starting with a fury worthy of his on-screen image I recalled. "Buckle up."

He hit the gas, and man, we flew. I mean, I've been in sports cars before and I knew reckless drivers, but damn. He was fast. I fumbled with the belt, my heart racing. Reality and logic were combating furiously in my mind, but I forcefully disregarded the warnings my mind was sending me ( _holyshitthisisimpossible_ ) and focused on the situation at hand.

Like somehow luring a Decepticon air commander away from my cousin's wedding.

_It's the little things_ , I airily told myself.

We sped along the grass until we finally got to the road. I'll spare you the inane details, but we definitely barely missed hitting an unlucky deer, smashed off five side mirrors on a line of parked cars and then made a series of illegal turns as we headed further into the park.

"Wow," I began calmly, "everything you did in the past five minutes was completely illegal."

"If you actually think I give a damn, you're more brain deficient than I originally thought!" Barricade snapped back.

"Just thought I'd mention it."

Starscream was apparently following us, because Barricade made no mention of where we were headed. I assumed deeper into the park reserve the golf course was next to, because we started to really get off the main roads and onto dirt paths. Finally, after nearly ten minutes of driving, we found ourselves at a clearing. The huge empty field in front of me, a calling card for the jet circling above, suddenly made me think of that moment in your life when you're at the Running of the Bulls event in Spain and you suddenly find yourself running for your life from a bunch of cows with horns.

Those moments kind of sucked, in case you were wondering.

_Why the_ fuck _am I here?_ I suddenly asked myself, about to throw up. _Oh, yeah, I thought this was a dream. Well, good job, me, great fucking job._

"Stay quiet and out of the way," Barricade said in a hurried whisper as I fumbled with my seatbelt. Yes, that sounded like a good idea. "Try to get over to the tree line and don't—"

His words of advice were tragically cut short when a silver jet screeched down to Earth in front of us, transforming into twenty-tons of metal legs, arms and a head. The ground shook and Barricade and I froze, staring ahead in stunned, horrified silence.

"…Too late," I whimpered, eyes huge.

"You wanted to come," Barricade shot back, though he sounded incredibly nervous.

I slid out of the car, trembling horribly as I took in the sight before me. Even as Barricade transformed, I was only looking in front of me. I have read many a story and seen many a show of just how big and shiny the aerial commander of the Decepticons is. Yes, he is shiny, and yes, he is big.

But he's also _fucking terrifying_.

I thought Michael Bay had gone wrong making the Decepticons look the way they did in the 2007 film, but… _damn_. It really did make them look menacing as compared to their lame 1980s designs.

Standing there next to Barricade, I was pretty sure nothing would have been taller than the mech next to me, who was definitely more than a story tall. Starscream? Oh. _OH ho_. He was bigger, way bigger. Probably almost three stories tall with wings almost as wide.

The only thing remotely un-menacing about him was that his mouth kinda looked like a nut cracker, but fuck, I wasn't about to make fun of it then. I was a bit preoccupied with not hyperventilating as I stood there on weak knees as the mass of jet transformed into his full form, looming over us with gnashing teeth and claws.

" _BARRICADE_!" the titan screeched upon us worthless mortals. Oh, and his voice is just as I imagined. Lovely. "Where the _frag_ have you been, you miserable _groundling_!"

Barricade was tough; I mean, he could probably make Chuck Norris cry like a bitch. But standing there in front of Starscream, I suddenly realized why the Interceptor wanted to quit being a Decepticon. He stood straight and didn't flinch, but I could see the fear slowly enter his optics.

Everyone had to have a bogeyman, I supposed in a haze of my own terror.

"I have been acting under the orders you left me with, my Lord," Barricade replied. There was no emotion in his voice, or waver. I wasn't convinced, however.

Neither was Starscream. "And _what_ , Barricade, were those orders?" the jet hissed, looming even more.

"To infiltrate the human society," Barricade replied, stiff. "I have done so, as you ordered."

Part of me flinched; what did _that_ mean? Starscream stole the limelight, however. "I specifically recall ordering you to infiltrate the local government as to monitor any Autobot activity," he began, voice rising in volume.

"Yes. I am in the process of—," Barricade began, speaking a little quicker now.

"I don't care!" Starscream screamed, a stray arm whipping out. Barricade flinched and I all-but fell over in terror. "The Autobots are no where _near_ here, you _imbecile_! We are in the process of moving _Nemesis_ to this planet. We need your support with our unit!"

"With all due respect, my Lord, I have reasons for setting camp here," he tried again, speaking quickly now to avoid getting cut off again. He kept up a high degree of respect, however; smart mech. "I am using the local government as a launching point for several hacking and routing operations to gather military intelligence of the local country." I stared up at him, utterly torn between confusion and feeling hurt at this announcement. "I chose the obscure location for the benefit of anonymity. The event I was just at that you witnessed is part of the cover I am creating for myself."

Starscream growled lowly. "You are using that device we retrieved from the Autobot scientist, aren't you?" he demanded, voice dangerously quiet.

Barricade hesitated. "…Is there a problem with that, sir?" he asked, awkward and tense, fishing for the right answer.

Starscream hissed and took a threatening step closer. "It's pointless!" he screeched. "You are wasting too much energy for an exuberant cover. Find a new one or I will be placing you where I see fit— _in pieces_!"

"My plans won't fail," Barricade replied, suddenly very confident. I wondered if the terror was the cause of that. "I have several lines of intel ready for you. I am sending them now."

It took me a second to realize what was going on. I stared warily as Barricade's optics suddenly changed to white, a startling look since it had been white only moments before. Starscream's optics blazed for a moment as well. Apparently, they were transferring files. What kind of files, I didn't know. Barricade stood back, tense, watching Starscream with increased caution. I wanted to ask what was going on, but it didn't seem like a good time to ask.

Starscream was quite for a long time. I fidgeted as I tried to figure out what it could have been. Military intel? I glanced at Barricade, suddenly feeling uneasy. Barricade had said he wanted out of the army. Had he betrayed our confidence after all and was just using Emily as a cover?

…Or he was just really fucking good at preparing for the worst, AKA that moment. I shivered. He had probably gotten the information ready, just in case Starscream found him. I hoped it was important information he had stolen, not because I wanted the Decepticons to win, but I knew only really, really good stuff could have saved our lives at that moment.

"Hmm." Starscream was staring out at nothing, reviewing the data. He spoke quietly, so I didn't know what to expect. "How long have you been at work with this?"

"Almost a year, sir. After you left the planet when Megatron fell, I took it upon myself to use your orders as I saw fit," Barricade replied, nodding his head courteously. "With respect to your own strategic talents, I find that this base of operations is granting me the most room. While _Nemesis_ is still unusable as a main base, I don't see why it would be prudent to move. In fact, I would see it as detrimental."

_Mech's got bearings_ , I thought, chilled. I watched Starscream carefully after Barricade spoke, hoping the sudden confidence in the Interceptor wasn't too out of line. Then again, Barricade had been at the whole avoiding-getting-slagged-by-Starscream business for much longer than I had. I trusted his judgement.

"Soundwave has prided you on being one of his top students in logistics," Starscream said lowly, tapping his talons against his other wrist, giving the smaller Decepticon an appraising glance. "Perhaps there is credence to this plan of yours."

While I almost melted in relief, Barricade nodded stiffly, the perfect soldier. "Thank you, sir."

"That said," the jet began, glaring coldly, "I do not tolerate micromanagement in my army, Barricade. Remember this. And on that—"

The way he cut himself off alarmed me; no one ever cut Starscream off, _especially_ not Starscream. I waited for him to mention he had received a message from someone internally, but Starscream was suddenly angered over something near us. The reason I knew it had to be something nearby, was because he wasn't looking anywhere else but me and Barricade.

"What is _that_?" he demanded harshly. He pointed at us. I followed his hand, expecting to see something else, but there was nothing besides us and the grass. I looked back up at the Decepticon leader, confused. Barricade was less so.

"It's a human," the Interceptor said hastily.

Starscream bristled. "You allowed it to follow you here?" he screeched, pissed off. He didn't wait for 'Cade to continue. "Kill it!"

Barricade hesitated. Suddenly, I realized I was the only human there.

He was talking about me.

_Oh,_ **shit** _._

"WHOA!" I shouted, surprising the two of them. I held up my arms and backed up considerably away from the two Decepticons. "Y-you don't have to—I'm not causing any trouble, I swear!"

"She is part of the cover group I am associating with," added Barricade. He moved slightly to the right, towards me. He looked up submissively at Starscream.

"There are plenty of them. This one knows too much. Kill it," ordered Starscream, without a shred of emotion.

"They would notice if she went missing," replied Barricade, slightly quieter.

Starscream made a growling sound again. "I don't care," he snapped.

I shuddered. Barricade continued. "They saw her leave with me," he said. "If I return without her or with her dead, the suspicion will fall on me."

"Then find a new cover!" Starscream all but screamed at Barricade.

My heart was racing, but I tried to keep cool. I had amassed a huge info-database in my head about the Transformers—especially the main ones. Starscream was no exception. I knew tons about him. Before, knowing all I knew would have been utterly useless and nerd-like. Now, it could be lifesaving.

"My lord," I began suddenly, surprising both mechs. I changed the tone of my voice. I tried to sound official, polite and serious all at the same time. I think I pulled off the polite part. "I'm not a spy and I'm not just a human spectator."

That, if not surprised him, at least grabbed Starscream's attention, as well as Barricade's. The police car was staring at me as though I had grown five heads spontaneously. I ignored him and urged my voice not to give up on me yet.

"I want to join the Decepticons!" I declared, quite loudly and only a little shakily.

Neither Decepticon said anything. They just stood there, staring at me. I'm pretty sure Barricade was sending me a _DO NOT WANT_ look, but hey, it was all I had.

I swallowed hard. _Okayyy._ "I'm just a human, and I have no real skills in warfare, but I assure you, I will follow you honestly and truly as a loyal Decepticon soldier," I said with almost-enthusiasm. I grinned, despite my nausea. "All hail the leader of the Decepticons—Lord Starscream!"

I was tempted to give him the Nazi salute and be all "heil!" and stuff, but I think that would have gone over their robo-brains completely.

Starscream just stared at me, caught off guard. "You… wish to join the Decepticons?" he began, giving me a look indicating he thought I was lying. "You are a _human_. We are your _enemies_."

"Are you _kidding_?" I exclaimed, giving him a 'oh-you-silly' look. "This planet sucks! Humans are destroying it and no one cares. I say, the Decepticons are the way to go. They'll be much better rulers than my people. So yeah, I support you guys. Democracy and all that jawn, it doesn't work. We need one strong leader. Like _you_ , sir."

Part of my mind was screaming in agony. _Did I really just say 'jawn'?_

The trauma was beginning to get to me after all.

Barricade looked horrified, but Starscream was luckily focusing on me. "I do not believe it," he snapped. He leaned forward, making me feel like the ants I used to squish with my sneakers when I was a little kid. "What use do I have for a organic soldier?"

"Ah… well… when you… when you take over the world, y-you may need spokespersons… and…" I fumbled over the words, my heart pounding wildly.

"She could provide intelligence now on locations and situations, without the need of a mech risking exposure," Barricade abruptly added, suddenly supportive. I could have hugged him, if he was the right size.

"Y-yeah!" I blurted, nodding enthusiastically. Oh, I knew where to take this now. "I-I'm his new Frenzy. Y-you know, Soundwave's symbiote Barricade had? I-I blend in way better, sir! I can get you guys into, like… military places. I can do that, no problem!"

Whether or not I was digging myself a grave large enough to bury Optimus Prime, I had no idea. But it would keep us alive for the next five minutes, I wagered. Starscream glared at me, but if my fear wasn't totally clouding my sense of reality, I could have sworn I saw doubt enter his optics.

"…Is this true, Barricade?" Starscream asked at great length, glancing at the other Decepticon, suspicious.

"Yes, sir," the Interceptor replied, confidently. Oh, how I admired his skills. "While her processing powers may be inferior than our own, her size can be quite useful. I used her help to get some of that intel I obtained, you see."

_Ouch_. What a bitch. But I had to hand it to him; that sort of language would get us out quicker than anything else. "Yes!" I said, nodding. I saluted again, trying not to show how shaky I was. "I am totally in your service, my Lord!"

The Angel of Bullshitting was upon me that afternoon. Starscream did not look happy, but he did stop looming as much. He was probably pondering just what to do with me, but luckily, I was probably not the largest concern he had. With a new swiftness, he turned to Barricade.

"Nemesis needs my full attention. You are to continue your operations here, without fail. I will be expecting a full report, _on schedule_ ," Starscream "Do I make myself _clear_ , Barricade?"

"Perfectly, sir," the Interceptor replied, nodding submissively.

"As for _you_ …" Starscream began, turning to me. I flinched as he sneered down upon me. "Barricade, keep an eye on this creature. I want a full report on its status as a potential minion." I refrained myself from correcting him on my gender status. "When the time comes, I will be needing human minions. Perhaps you shall have the honor of being the first," he continued, baring his vicious teeth.

… _Why did they have teeth again?_

"I'll be glad to be of service, my lord," I replied, grinning forcefully. I stopped myself and then frowned. Grinning wasn't very Decepticon-like, I had to admit.

Watching Starscream re-transform into a jet was just as amazing as seeing him turn into a behemoth of steel. I winced as the jet took off into the air, afterburners igniting the air. He became a dot on the horizon, and I think at that point, both Barricade and I exhaled identical shaking breaths. Or rather, Barricade just expelled air; he didn't have lungs, after all.

"Let's go, let's go," I chattered, my teeth moving on their own as if it were freezing out. My skin was both clammy and sweaty.

Barricade obeyed wordlessly and turned back into a car. I didn't even pause to consider how absolutely insane my life had become, that that didn't really phase me. I just climbed into the car, sat down and closed the door.

We sat there for about thirty seconds in silence, minds reeling.

I turned slowly and stared down at the dash, where I assumed he could see me. "…Did we just survive that?" I asked, dazed.

"…I think?" he replied, sounding both amazed and mildly horrified.

"Holy fuck." I grinned at the dashboard, drunk on adrenaline. "Good job, robot man. We are the bullshitting overlords of the land of bullshit."

I could almost _feel_ his scowl. "You _are_ insane," he snapped. "Let's get back."

"Right…" I muttered, sinking into the seat.

Now that _that_ crisis was averted, we had one more: the wedding.

… _OOPS!_

**00000**

"Do you, Barrett Cade, take Emily Garvin to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

"I do."

"And do you, Emily Garvin, take Barrett Cade to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

"I do."

It took all my willpower not to crack up when I first heard Barricade's chosen human designation. We spent a good few minutes explaining what had happened when we finally got back to the wedding. We used the excuse of last minute jitters Barricade's random disappearance. I just said I went with Barricade to make sure he returned. Most people accepted it and Emily thanked me a million times in private later.

Other than that, it was a remotely… average ceremony. Vows were shared, pictures were taken and everything that should have happened, happened.

I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, but considering after everything that had happened that day, I guess it already had and I missed it. Oh, well.

The reception was held in the same area and all of the tension from earlier seemed like an insane hallucination or nightmare, but I knew it was real. But we were alive. I smiled giddily to myself as I looked around at my family. They were safe, I was safe, and everything was kinda-sorta-almost normal now.

Yes, I could handle a reality like this.

I found Barricade alone at the main table. Emily had gone off dancing with friends; Barricade had probably lied and said he was tired. He did look a little haggard sitting in his worn suit, plates and glasses everywhere around him. He looked so out of place. I hoped that he wouldn't after a while; he deserved a chance to fit in with this average living.

"Heyyy," I began, sliding up into one of the seats across from him. He glared at me in greeting. I grinned back. "Congrats, _Captain_. That was a really nice ceremony."

"Ugh." Barricade scowled even more than normal. "You humans have too many social set ups." I was amazed that we were almost having a normal conversation. That was an astonishing sign that we were moving forward in terms of friendship. So exciting.

"True…" I said, shaking my head with a chuckle. I didn't know when would be a good time to mention anything, but since we were alone… "So. About Starscream."

"What about him?" Barricade demanded, glaring. He did nervously look around for any prying eyes or ears, but we were essentially alone in that section of the reception area.

I tilted my head, picking up an untouched punch glass. "What you said to him… you're really sneaking intel from the military?" I asked, trying to be calm and neutral, but the question had been plaguing my mind for the good part of the evening.

Barricade shrugged. "I can't just be a passive force here. I… I don't want to be in this fragging war anymore. It's pointless." He looked away, glaring at nothing. "But I'm glad I was prepared."

"Yeah… same." I shuddered, remembering Starscream's cold gaze. Oh, I could live without ever experiencing that again.

Barricade glanced at me, suddenly mocking. "What? You upset I'm not a goody-two shoes like those Autobots?" he sneered. "That I didn't finish the fight?"

I paused, considering. "No. If you had, everyone would be dead," I replied, looking at my drink before taking another sip. "So… kudos on being a conniving bastard."

That was not the reaction he had been banking on. "…Thanks," he growled, looking away. I smirked into my glass. So, I did know how to speak to the Decepticon. Awesome.

The silence continued for a minute before Barricade suddenly turned a frightfully accusing glare on me, surprising me. "You do realize now that Starscream thinks you're one of his followers now, correct?" Barricade demanded darkly.

I sipped my punch, nonplussed. "Ah, he'll forget about it. I'm just one human, right?" I joked. He didn't seem too interested in me before, anyway.

Barricade snorted. "Starscream isn't as unintelligent as you label him to be. He won't forget."

"But…I'm just a human," I countered, frowning.

"True." Barricade finished his champagne and set down the empty glass on the table. "It doesn't matter now. We are in a moment of truce between the Autobots and Decepticons."

"Basically a lull in the fighting?" I asked, amazed. He almost _NEVER_ told me about what was going on in their war. I guess since I had survived Starscream, I deserved to be in on the more gritty details.

"Yes. There won't be any fighting until one side calls off the truce. The Autobots are still trying to increase their numbers, so they won't be the ones to call it off."

"And Starscream is still waiting to hear from his posse," I added, grinning. "So, you get to be with Emily for a while longer."

Barricade paused. "Yes," he finally said, looking at his plate.

I observed the gruff Decepticon with a smug smirk. Because of him, I had half of my family thinking I was crazy, I was involved in an intergalactic age-old war, and now, I had to deal with aliens bothering my family. But it was all good now. Barricade and I had fixed things, maybe not permanently, but to a decent extent.

Now, I only had to worry about keeping my new cousin-in-law off of an alien army's enlisted list.

Lovely.

"Let's go down to the lake," I said, standing.

"Why?" Barricade asked, looking up at me with a scowl.

"Em's talking to Grandma and no one's looking," I said, as if it were obvious. I jerked my head towards the lake. "We can talk about this without having to worry about eavesdroppers."

"We shouldn't be talking about it at all, considering you aren't involved," Barricade ground out.

I stopped and gave him my best 'what-the-hell-do-you-think' look. "If _I'm_ not involved," I began warningly, "who the hell else is? Emily? You can't do this alone, Barry."

"Do what?" he demanded, incredulous.

"Assimilate!" I cried. I motioned with my arms. "Being human is harder than it looks, believe me. You can't share everything with Emily yet, so I'm the only one you can talk to!"

Barricade gave me a scathing look. "Joy," he deadpanned.

I glared back. "Suck it up," I said. I moved around the table, and surprisingly, Barricade followed suit. He did not look too happy, though. "Now, the first thing we have to worry about is how you're going to support you and Emily."

"I have the job at the police department," Barricade said as we walked across the lawn.

"Are you going to be able to keep it?" I asked. I grabbed a slice of cake and a fork as we passed a tray cart. Damn, that catered stuff was addicting. "You're not very people-friendly, you know."

"So I've been told," he growled. He easily kept up with my semi-marching pace. "I have access to all kinds of files on humans and what is expected of them. I don't need tutoring."

"But you're gonna need an outlet," I corrected him without thinking.

He stopped in his tracks and gave me a bewildered look. I stopped as well, surprised at myself.

"Outlet?" he echoed, confused.

"I mean," I started to say, not quite sure myself. "Well…" I shrugged. "Starscream's not exactly gonna listen to you bitch about transitions and stuff. You can't exactly ring up the Autobots for a chat. You don't know anyone else whose Cybertronian. I might not be a replacement for a fellow Decepticon, or even an Autobot, but at least I know a little about where you're coming from. As a Transformer, I mean."

I ceased my rambling, feeling foolish. I knew plenty of guys like Barricade: all stare and no conversation. He didn't need to talk to people in order to feel better about his situations. I looked at him, his dark eyes unreadable, unsure how he'd take my… _generous_ invitation.

"You're volunteering to listen to me _complain_?" Barricade finally drawled, arching an incredulous eyebrow.

I shrugged again. "Eh, why not? Everyone needs an ear to rant to, right?" I could always use him to rant to as well; I was in this whole crazy mess, too.

Barricade stared at me. Then, to my surprise, he suddenly smirked. "Primus, you are totally absurd," he muttered. He walked past me, towards the lake.

Standing in my place with a look of shock plastered on my face, I followed him with my eyes. There was never a _yes_ or a _no_ with Barricade. Only a bastard-like _maybe_. A smirk grew on my face as well and I hurried after him across the grass.

The lake was a pretty place to just sit around. We found a bench by the water, and with the sounds of music and general party-sounds filtering down the hill, we both sat in silence. I stared out at the water, my mind going over everything I had just been through, realizing that there was no turning back now, on anything.

I sighed, shoulders sagging. "Man… my life is fucked up." That was the understatement of the _universe_ , as far as I was concerned.

" _Your_ life?" Barricade shot back, incredulous.

Snorting, I had to agree with his question. "Well… our lives," I conceded. "Whatever." With a groan, I pinched the bridge of my nose. "Goddamn it. I'll never understand it." The Transformers, the reality changes, the Decepticon who was now my cousin-in-law… none of it made any logical sense.

Barricade growled lowly. "Join the club."

"…Thank you, Barricade. For protecting my family," I said, smiling at him, meaning it. "I really do appreciate it."

"Hmp." Barricade didn't look at me, crossing his arms against his chest. "You did okay today as well. I appreciate the support." He spoke reluctantly, but that probably meant he meant it.

Smiling, I nodded, looking out at the water, feeling lightheaded, but also strangely calm. As much as he drove me crazy, Barricade wasn't too bad. Maybe this could work out. We just needed to be strong and listen to each other.

The companionship was too much for either of us to bear, however, at least at that moment.

"You're still ugly," Barricade suddenly said, glaring at me, breaking the calm. I didn't mind; it was saner.

I glared back at him. "You're still a jerk."

"Glad we're at an accordance," he muttered back, rolling his eyes. He sat back on the bench, relaxed.

"Sure thing," I replied calmly, mimicking his pose to ease my aching back, before adding a quieter, "asshole."

"Bitch."

"Slag sucker."

"Pit fragger."

"Optimus Prime."

Barriade paused, and then looked over at me, his eyes narrowed his disturbed disbelief.

"—'s lover," I added quickly.

"Okay, now that's just retarded," he growled, flopping back on the bench.

I shrugged. "Well, I ran out of _Transformer_ curses." I poked my fork at my cake.

"Then, shut up," he said.

"Fine," I huffed.

We both opted for silence and stared out at the lake. It was really pretty, I had to admit, with the sun going down over the water. I never expected so many strange bizarre things to have happened so rapidly in my life, but it seemed to be making sense now. I thought then, and even now I believe, it could work. Barricade really was going to be part of the family, and even if he was a Decepticon, maybe we could be at least friends. On the bench, I sighed softly and pursed my lips in contemplation.

"…Asshole."

I now also believe to this day that I am officially the only human being on the planet who can say they've had an organically-altered Transformer/newlywed dump part of a wedding cake on their head. Barricade can officially say he's the first transformer/humanoid who ever had to explain to his new wife why he had suddenly gone for a swim in the lake while wearing his seven hundred-dollar tuxedo—with cake shoved down his pants.

We're just so freaking special like that.

 

**The End.**

**To be continued in _Flipside: Aftereffects._**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check out the sequel, **_Flipside: Aftereffects_** , on my profile! :)


End file.
